Write it Down, Make it Happen (Part I)

I sat in the silent warehouse, breathing in and out, following the rise and fall of my breath and trying to ignore my racing heart. It was a Saturday morning. My shaking foot belied the serenity I hoped to convey to anyone watching, knowing that soon I'd be giving—what I imagined to be—the performance of my life. It was still unbelievable to me that an event at the beginning of the week presented this opportunity; that something wished for years earlier could manifest in such an extraordinary way. This outcome was so much more incredible than I ever could have imagined: I had thought about it, written about it, but had no idea how it would all unfold.

I can attest to the value and power of the written word as someone who has been journal writing for twenty-three years. Not only have I written for my life during times of crisis, but I have actually written my life, which is exciting and empowering—knowing that I am the creator of my life.There are numerous examples in my writings to support this assertion. The above experience contains several layers of manifestation that culminated in one extraordinary outcome.

I always wanted to be an actor. My best friend, Lynn, who is a bigger pack rat than I, sent to me when I was going through cancer treatment a list that our fifth-grade teacher had compiled. All her students' names were on it and next to each name was the occupation we wanted to be as adults. Next to my name was the word "actress." I hadn't done any acting in grade school or high school, but I mustered the courage and returned to college to study drama at the age of twenty-three.

During that time, I auditioned for all the theatre department's plays. One play (of many) in which I failed to get cast was Talley's Folly, a two-person show by the late Lanford Wilson. I fell in love with the character of Sally Talley and knew I had to portray that character someday. Exposure to this play turned me into an admirer of Lanford Wilson's work, reading nearly every play he wrote, or so I thought.

I began keeping a journal in 1992 and would write about roles I was exploring in class or in a play. Lists of shows and characters I longed to perform were recorded in my diaries too. One day, I came across a show by Lanford Wilson titled The Moonshot Tape that was in an anthology of one-act plays. This one-act was a solo project, and I was immediately drawn to Diane, a deeply flawed yet fascinating character. Diane is thirty-five years old, an accomplished short-story writer, and possesses a rather sordid, complicated past. Here was another role I committed to one day performing, not having a clue how, when, or where it would happen. I was twenty-seven at the time and had also been contemplating starting my own theatre company upon obtaining my drama degree. All of these goals were written about in my journals.

I ended up in Cincinnati, Ohio, after graduation, initially getting involved in that city's vibrant and massive community theatre scene as both an actor and director. While directing The Diary of Anne Frank, I met Lisa, a talented actress whom I'd cast as Mrs. Frank. We began discussing starting our own semi-professional company. I did research, constructed a business plan, and wrote about this endeavor constantly in my journal. In the end, it seemed like too monumental a task for two people; it started to overwhelm me. Plus I longed to focus solely on acting.

We put that venture aside and  both continued performing. Not long after, Lisa was cast in a community theatre production of The Secret Garden where she met Joe, Mark, and Scott who too had the desire to start a professional theatre company. They approached her to see if she might be interested in joining them. To which she responded: There is someone you need to meet. We did and soon Ovation Theatre Company was on its way to becoming a reality.

With Ed Cohen (Matt Friedman) in Talley's Folly

The next year was spent planning, budgeting, fundraising, and on July 4, 1997, we signed Ovation's incorporation papers, filing as a 501(c)(3) organization. During this preparatory period, I was cast in the role of—you guessed it, maybe—Sally Talley. Finally, here was the chance to perform one of my dream roles. Sally is thirty-one and I was thirty-one when I portrayed her. Mike, the director, was fantastic and because I enjoyed working with him so much, I gave him a copy of The Moonshot Tape and told him that if I ever performed this role, I wanted him to direct me.

In September 1998, Ovation staged its inaugural production, the two-woman comedy, Parallel Lives: The Kathy and Mo Show. Lisa and I starred in it. We directed it too, along with one of our co-founders Scott. It was thrilling. Another dream had come true. To reiterate, these were all goals and hopes I'd written about either in my journal or strategized about in lists on separate pieces of paper. I was constantly writing, thinking, and putting those ideas into action. However, the best was yet to come...

With Ovation co-founder and co-star, Lisa Hall Breithaupt, on opening night of Parallel Lives

What goals or dreams have you written about that have manifest in your life? Please let me know in the comments or email me at deborah@deborahludwig.com. I may use them in a future post, with your permission of course.

Why Journal? (Tip/Reason #4)

This site is about how journaling and expressive writing can be tools for bettering your life. A series of weekly tips will be posted as of July 1. The first several are reasons—rather than tips—to consider starting a journal. However, for consistency, these reasons will be categorized as tips.

Tip #4 - Why Journal? 

It’s a great tool for setting and achieving goals. The mere act of writing down your goals increases your chance of success.

Write down your goals, make them SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely), commit to them, and hold yourself accountable by reporting weekly, or at least monthly, your progress to someone who supports your efforts.

There is much more to write on this topic and I will do so in the future. For now, below are some related articles you may find helpful and interesting.

• Why You Should be Writing Down Your Goals
• Goals!The Reason You're Not Achieving Yours (And Its Easy Fix)
• Dominican Research Cited in Forbes Article
• Goal Setting: Why 90% of us don’t do it effectively 

Journaling Tip #3...Related to Tip #2 (working through challenges)

Journal writing as a tool for working through challenges was journaling Tip #2 posted on July 8. Today's tip expands on that.

One strategy for solving a problem is to write your challenge or issue down in your diary at night. Include the solutions you've already considered. Now, go to sleep and allow the unconscious mind to work. In the morning, before you start your day, pick up the journal and start writing about your situation and see if any new solutions have presented themselves overnight.

If no new ideas have appeared, try this exercise every night—or as often as you are able—for a week. If after a week, you still haven't discovered new strategies, it could be time to reach out for assistance, be it from an expert, a colleague, or a friend. However, give it a try. The unconscious mind works in mysterious ways.



Related article - Got a big decision to make? Sleep on It:

"We tend to consider the time we spend sleeping, for instance, as a mentally inactive period. But sleep is associated with better memory performance, and "slow-wave" sleep in particular has been shown to enhance our ability to make mental connections and integrate unassociated information. 

This sort of mental heavy-lifting during sleep could be useful for discovering creative solutions to problems and could potentially help combining factors in a way that allows us to make decisions." 

The Value of Rereading Your Journals: Remembering Treasured Moments

When I visit my hometown in southern Indiana to celebrate the Christmas holiday with my family, my mother and I take a day, just the two of us, to drive to Evansville to do some last-minute Christmas shopping and have lunch. It is a day I treasure and one that I make sure happens. This has been our holiday tradition since 2004 when I was still recovering, though mostly healed, from my June 1 bone marrow transplant.

I had forgotten the date this yearly outing began until I came across the brief December 15, 2004, journal entry while reorganizing my manuscript for the second edition of Rebirth. The entry provides no details of our interactions or conversations. However, it transported me back to that day, searching for the perfect present for my (then) almost-two-years-old nephew Aidan.

December 15, Wednesday:

Mom and I went Christmas shopping in Evansville yesterday. I found a Hokey Pokey Elmo and a play Home Depot drill at Toys "R" Us for Aidan. The drill comes with screws, bits, and a small plastic board in which Aidan can drill the screws. All the pieces are over-sized. The toy is designed for kids ages three and above, but Aidan loves toys that are similar to adult items, especially tools and phones. I think he'll really like these gifts. 



'What a difference a year makes,' I thought after reading it. Christmas 2003 was scary and sad because I was diagnosed with leukemia on December 18 and chemotherapy commenced at 8:00 pm on Christmas Eve, so Christmas 2004 was a true celebration. I was healthy again. Joy, not fear, was the state in which I resided. Shopping, having lunch, and talking—about whatever—with my mother was wonderful; so wonderful that I have made sure that experience has been recreated every year since.This one-on-one time with her is special. I cherish it. It's our time to reconnect.

One reason to keep a journal is to preserve moments. An event or person you may not have thought about in years can be rediscovered by rereading your journals. That may not always make one comfortable, depending on the event or person, but it always provides an opportunity for reflection and self-examination. Rereading journals, or only select entries, provides the writer with information from her past that may prove helpful in the present or the future.

Should you come across entries that are inspiring or bring a smile to your face, mark those pages with a paper clip or a small post-it. This way when you are feeling down or going through a difficult time, you can immediately find these positive entries. They will remind you that life is good, they may improve your mood—even if only for a little while, and they may provide encouragement to make the changes necessary to transcend the situation or feelings with which you are struggling.

Take some time to explore old journals. You may be surprised and delighted by the discoveries you uncover in the pages.



Do you reread your journals? If so, what memories have resurfaced for you? Were they positive or negative and how did you feel revisiting them? I'd like to know your thoughts. Please leave a comment below or email me at deborah@deborahludwig.com. I may use your response in a future post, so let me know if I have permission to reprint it. Thanks!

Protecting Your Journals' Content

Phillip Seymour Hoffman's death on February 2, 2014, at the age of forty-six saddened me for several reasons. One, being an actor, I always feel a sense of loss when a young, talented performer exits this world, especially when it is a self-imposed exit, be it accidental or intentional death. Two, as someone who has fought my own demons, I empathize with someone struggling to overcome addiction. Three, as a long-time diarist, it was disturbing that some details in Mr. Hoffman's private diaries were made public.


Some of what I read included:

His diaries did not include suicidal thoughts or chronicles of drug activity, according to sources who saw them, though the entries did provide insight into the actor's state of mind. The private journals contained musings about his struggles with addiction, as well as thoughts that were tough to decipher.

...and this:

Writing in his private diaries, the 46-year-old Hollywood star talked about feeling 'caught in between' long-time girlfriend Mimi O'Donnell and another woman he had recently met. Hoffman's journal entries suggested that his relationship with his unidentified new paramour may have triggered his split from O'Donnell, who asked him to move out of their Manhattan home three months before his death.

In his often incoherent 'secret diaries,' Hoffman had described being troubled by 'demons,' wrote about drug deals, and his struggle to overcome his addiction with Narcotics Anonymous meetings".


I understand the public's curiosity surrounding the actor's death, especially the sordid details. I also know that the authorities used this information to shed light on the investigation. While the exposure of his writings seems to have been minimal, for anyone to reveal portions of his diaries for public consumption infringes on his privacy; these are his personal musings. Yes, he's dead and he was a celebrity, but even dead celebrities—and their families—deserve some degree of privacy. This situation prompted me to consider the security of my own journals.

Twenty-three years of journal writing have helped me transcend challenges and achieve goals. These journals are repositories for life events, a chronicle of my time on this planet. While there are many positive and inspirational entries, there are also dark ones that contain information that I prefer remain secret.

When one keeps a record of her life, how to keep those records from prying eyes is an important decision. It is also critical that there be instructions upon one's death for the disposal, storage, or transfer to someone else's possession of these diaries. Some questions to ask yourself are:

1. Do I want anyone else to read them? If yes, who?
2. Do I want them destroyed? If yes, how and by whom?
3. Do I want them stored and made available for research or publication? If yes, where would the storage facility be located and what would the timing be for publication (5 years, 10 years, etc.)?
4. Do I plan to pass them on to a family member or friend? Who?
5. Do I want any of them published? Who would be appointed to do that? (Note: If you think you may publish your journals, start editing them yourself now or select an editor to do it upon your death. This way the task won't fall to a family member or friend.) 

Consider all these issues and include the instructions in your will. The last thing we want is for our most intimate thoughts and struggles to be broadcast to the world without our permission. What is shared publicly should be dictated by our wishes, not haphazardly released by the media, police, family or friends, no matter how well-meaning their intentions. This is your life story and how you decide to share it should remain in your hands alone.

It's time for me to make these plans; I have yet to do so. I'll let you know what they are once completed as a follow-up to this piece. If you haven't made provisions for your journals yet, I encourage you to do so. If you have made plans for securing your journals, please share them in the comments. You may help me or other diarists decide what actions to take.

Good luck!

Why Journal? (Tip/Reason #2)

This site is about how journaling and expressive writing can be tools for bettering your life. A series of weekly tips will be posted as of July 1. The first several are reasons—rather than tips—to consider starting a journal. However, for consistency, these reasons will be categorized as tips.

Image from Clipart Pal

Tip #2 - Why Journal? 

Journal writing is an excellent way to work through life's challenges. We all encounter obstacles. Writing is a useful tool for understanding those challenges and figuring out strategies to overcome them or deal with them more effectively. Some challenges require more time and effort than others but by putting pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard, you will have concrete ideas in front of you that can be put into action as opposed to merely ruminating over them in your head. You are less likely to forget strategies and plans when you write them down. Plus there is a record of your thoughts, which you can revisit as the need arises.

Write about it, put a strategy in place, review it, and take action.

What challenges has journal writing helped you overcome or deal with more effortlessly? Please share in the comments.

Why Journal? (Tip/Reason #1)

This site is about how journaling and expressive writing can be tools for bettering your life. Starting today, a series of weekly tips will be posted. The first several are reasons—rather than tips—to consider starting a journal. However, for consistency, these reasons will be categorized as tips.

  

Tip #1 – Why Journal?

It is a terrific way to chronicle your life—the ups and downs, triumphs and challenges, milestones and every-day occurrences, interactions with family, friends, and colleagues, as well as all the interests and ideas that comprise your unique existence. It also provides information about the time period in which you reside. Your journal is a legacy, a gift of insights, knowledge, musings, inspiration, and historical context, that you can bestow to future generations, should you be so inclined.  

Sylvia and Me - June 1992

I became acquainted with Sylvia Plath in the spring of 1992 when I was cast in the play Letters Home, based on the book Letters Home, which is a compilation of the letters Sylvia wrote to her mother, Aurelia, from the time she entered Smith College in 1952 until her suicide in 1963. No, I was not cast as Sylvia, but rather at the ripe old age of twenty-six, her sixty-seven-year-old mother. Still, I was up to the challenge and very excited to have the opportunity to perform in my first two-person show.

In addition to studying the script, I read the book, but I still wanted to learn as much about Sylvia’s life as possible in order to play her mother more convincingly. I visited libraries and bookstores seeking additional material on both women, but the jewel of my biographical treasure hunt was a small paperback titled The Journals of Sylvia Plath. I was riveted by her writing, the way she utilized language to record events and feelings, her desires and dislikes, the obsession about her talent as a writer and her career. Reading this book inspired me to start my own journal and use it to develop my character so that I would embody Aurelia Schober Plath by opening night.

I ventured to the bookstore once again and found the area where journals were displayed. My goal was to select the perfect one to commence my writing adventure, and it didn’t take long to find it. I had taken several art history courses in college and was particularly fond of styles popular in Europe and Russia from around 1850 through the 1940s, so when I spotted a journal with George Seurat’s masterpiece Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, I knew it was to be mine. The pages were unlined and a white cloth marker was attached so that I could easily mark where the next entry should start.

I immediately put pen to paper once home. Here is an excerpt from that initial journal post:

June 9 – Tuesday:

I bought this gorgeous journal today. I love the cover: Seurat’s pointillism technique is fascinating…

Since I’ve been studying Sylvia Plath’s life—reading her letters, poetry, and journals, the desire to record feelings and events in my own life has become very intense. Today, I decided after the play is over, I’m going to contact some agencies in Indianapolis and see if I can get an agent and some commercial work. I’ve got to do something to earn more money and what better way to do it than by acting—what I love to do—and gain some experience at the same time.

Reading Sylvia’s journals and letters, my writing seems so amateurish and trite. The way she expresses herself and the eloquent language she uses—impeccably structured sentences and an extensive vocabulary—sparks a bit of jealousy because I’ve always thought writing a story, play, or novel would be so gratifying.

Doing this play has me totally consumed with knowing Sylvia, even though I play her mother, Aurelia. However, what better way to portray a mother than knowing her daughter intimately, and how the daughter feels about the mother, whether positive or negative. Sylvia’s life was fascinating (so was Aurelia’s), and I feel extremely fortunate to have been given this opportunity. Tomorrow I start memorizing Act II. Laura [director] says tomorrow in rehearsal we’re going to solidify Act I blocking then Thursday, start blocking Act II.

My first journal

Throughout that rehearsal period, I recorded thoughts about my character and her relationship to her daughter, explored the actions, reactions, tactics, and objectives Aurelia (I) would use, and created a detailed biography—all those wonderful explorations actors undertake in fleshing out their characters to make them believable and interesting. Through rehearsals and opening night until closing, I continued to write about my character, my performance, and the audiences—documenting the nuances of the entire experience. I felt a genuine sense of fulfillment and pride taking on that role and stretching my acting capabilities. Furthermore, I am glad that time period and that accomplishment are captured in a journal because those entries reveal how much I have grown over the years both as a professional and a person.

Writing in my journal eventually became a habit, though not necessarily a daily one. I can go weeks without writing a word, then at other times an all-consuming event or problem holds my attention and I write daily, even multiple times a day. It is an integral part of my life, and the journey continues. Thank you, Sylvia, for the inspiration.

Please let me know in the comments: Why did you begin journal writing? What did your first journal look like?

Welcome to Writing Life

Welcome to the Writing Life. I have been blogging about myriad topics since 2004. Although this blog was initially a means to keep family and friends abreast of my progress when I was going through treatments for leukemia, it quickly became an extension of my private journal. Here I could publicly share my thoughts and write essays about revelations I had during my recovery period. That blog eventually evolved into more of a political one with personal musings and people profiles interspersed throughout—basically, a hodge-podge of all my interests.

When I examine the journal writing I have done over the past two decades, it is amazing the discoveries I’ve uncovered about myself and my world. My book, Rebirth, was the result of the journaling I did during my cancer treatment period from December 14, 2003 through December 31, 2004. It chronicles my life as a cancer patient and survivor, including my hospital admissions for chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant. I published a second edition of that book in 2014.

Post-cancer, I developed Writing for Your Life, a journal writing workshop for cancer survivors. The New York City chapter of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society was kind enough to offer space at their location even though the workshop was designed for all cancer survivors, not only blood cancer ones. In addition, I talk about the value of expressive writing in my speeches at cancer and health-related conferences, so yes, I believe in the transformative and healing power of the written word; and there is research that supports this. Furthermore, as a performer, I believe all creative endeavors have power and value.

My musings here will span a variety of topics developed through the lens of how writing and other creative activity furthers personal and career goals, aids in maneuvering through transitional periods, overcoming adversity, uncovering and facing old wounds that need to be healed, and manifesting the life you envision. These tools, useful in the personal and career realms, can also help facilitate ideas and actions for change in your community and the world. My personal writings and observations, as well as those of others who embrace the power and art of writing, will be shared throughout these posts. Words help create ideas, ideas promote action, and action manifests change.

In the movie, Forrest Gump, Forrest’s mother tells him that: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” The future is unknown. Surprises—welcome or not —confront us each day, even each moment. Some people sail through life’s challenges and vicissitudes with more ease than others. Perhaps this is because they are naturally more laid-back and deal with adversity better. However, we can all survive and thrive by developing strategies that help us prepare to cope when life throws us curve balls.

My goal is to provide some strategies you will find helpful on this fabulous, sometimes frustrating and scary journey called life. I prefer to call it an adventure. As you follow me here, I hope you come to see it as an adventure too. If you already do, well, then let’s make it an even more fantastic one. Here’s to writing your life and a better world. Cheers!

Celebrating my Second Birthday Today...Nine Years Since BMT

Today I celebrate my second birthday. I am nine years old. The anniversary of my bone marrow transplant is always a time for celebration, even if it’s only me celebrating. It is amazing to me that it has been nine years. I remember it quite vividly, yet at the same time, it seems an eternity ago. So much has happened in the nine years since I wrote the following:

Excerpt from Rebirth:

June 1, 2004 - Tuesday, Transplant Day (Rebirth Day)  Day 0

As the day wore on and the time approached for Barbara’s stem cells to be transfused into me, sorrow replaced anxiety. I am losing a part of me as her stem cells replace mine and begin producing her blood in my body. My blood type will change from O- to O+, which is Barbara’s blood type. This changing of blood type is somewhat unsettling to me. However, I also view this day as one of rebirth—another birthday to celebrate. It is extraordinary how this whole bone marrow transplant process works. It is truly miraculous. And not only is this a physical rebirth, but because of all the self-reflection and positive changes I’m attempting to make in my life, it is a spiritual and emotional rebirth as well. So despite feeling melancholy over what I’m losing, there is excitement and anticipation about what I’m gaining. I thank God for the new stem cells that will generate new and healthy blood in my body and grant me a second chance at life.

Around 3:30 p.m., Dr. Hsu, another physician in Dr. Goldberg’s oncology group, administered the blood transfusion. The transplant was a slow intravenous infusion through my catheter of the bone marrow collected from Barbara. Karen B was already stationed at my bedside and Karen waltzed into the room just minutes before the doctor began the procedure. The transplant, which took all of twenty minutes, was uneventful except for an intense scratchiness in my throat caused by the preservative in the blood. I was given Benadryl prior to the transfusion, which quickly sent me off to la-la land. Meanwhile, my sister and friend sat vigil, watching my blood pressure rise and fall, sometimes significantly, on the monitor. The nurses assured them that this was normal.

Andrew and I - he made his First Communion in 2012

My nephew Andrew turns nine in August; his age is a reminder of how many years ago my BMT took place. In a way Barbara gave birth to both of us in 2004—she was my bone marrow donor while pregnant with him. There is a very deep connection between me and that little boy, who is gorgeous and smart and funny. 

I feel lucky and so blessed to have not just lived, but thrived these past nine years. I don’t know why I survived and other cancer survivors I’ve known did not. All I know is that my life is a gift, and with that gift comes a responsibility to give back. I also try to enjoy and appreciate every day I’ve been granted since my cancer diagnosis. I wake up every morning, giving thanks for another day on this glorious planet, even when I’m highly disgruntled with current events in this country and around the world.

The biggest life lesson from my cancer experience is that not one of us is guaranteed tomorrow, so don’t put off doing activities, taking trips, or being with the people who are most important to you; or taking a risk to accomplish a long-desired goal that you have been too scared for one reason or another to pursue. Life is scary; taking risks is scary, but I’ve found those risks to be worth it.

I hear people lament all the time how life is not fair, and ask why do bad things happen to good people? Life is not fair—bad things happen to good people and wonderful things happen to terrible people; sometimes there seems to be no justice. However, and as much as I want justice, fairness, and equality to prevail, what matters is how you play the cards you are dealt. Do you fall apart and live with anger and fear, or do you embrace [accept] what is and figure out how to live your life in the best way possible for you and for those who interact with you at any given moment?

One of my favorite stories that Thich Nhat Hanh includes in his book The Miracle of Mindfulness is Leo Tolstoy’s “Three Questions.” Versions of the story vary slightly, but it is summarized below an the excerpt  from Rebirth.

April 6, 2004 – Tuesday

In The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hanh recounts a story by Tolstoy about an emperor searching for the answer to three questions:

1. What is the best time to do each thing?

2. Who are the most important people to work with?

3. What is the most important thing to do at all times?

The answer is this:

Remember that there is only one important time and that is now. The present moment is the only time over which we have dominion. The most important person is always the person you are with, who is right before you, for who knows if you will have dealings with any other person in the future? The most important pursuit is making the person standing at your side happy, for that alone is the pursuit of life.

Often we forget that it is the very people around us that we must live for first of all.

Nine years later, I try to remember the answers to those questions and to be present whether I am with work colleagues, friends, or family members, especially those nieces and nephews whom I was not sure I’d live to see grow up, or even see some of them born. I love being an aunt. 

Today, as I celebrate my second birthday, I give thanks to all those who helped me through that difficult period: my amazing family and friends (many of whom are my "framily;" thanks Karen Burke for the new word!); my doctors, the nurses and aides at Hackensack University Medical Center--they were top-notch, caring professionals; and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, which has a special place in my heart, and the other cancer support organizations who work tirelessly to support survivors and their caregivers as well as to fund research to cure cancer.

Here's to the next nine years! 

Life is Unpredictable, which is Why It's so Valuable

December 21, 2003 - "It is said that life is unpredictable. Well, that is an understatement. I have leukemia--cancer. Never in my life did I imagine the word "cancer" could, or would, be associated with me."

This was a journal entry I wrote three days into my hospital stay after my leukemia diagnosis and how I opened Part I of my book, Rebirth. In just one day, December 18, 2003, my life shifted dramatically. This is the day I return to when tragic events happen. So yesterday when I heard about the bombing in Boston at the marathon, as when I heard about the school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, in December and the devastation Superstorm Sandy wrought upon thousands of residents in the Northeast in late October, my heart broke again, knowing many lives would be shifting dramatically. Furthermore, many of those running in the marathon were doing so to raise money for cancer research and programs, so to me, it seemed personal.

In Boston, three people died, one, an eight-year old boy. Over 100 were injured, many losing limbs. It is horrific events like these that leave us feeling helpless and scared because of the unpredictability and devastation; we long to make sense of the tragedy and destruction. How do we protect ourselves from mass shootings and bombings, or from natural disasters when the damage exceeds what the experts may have been forecasting? The answer is: we can't. 

Bombings happen all the time around the globe. Western countries are largely spared these incidents, so when they happen, it is shocking and shakes us at our core. But I wonder, in places like Iraq and Syria where bombings happen frequently, do citizens ever get used to it? Or do they live in terror every day? My guess is they live in terror every day and try to survive, doing the best they can for themselves and their families.

I know I am not alone when I say these acts of terror—and they are terror, maybe not terrorism because that has a political component to it, but it is terror nonetheless—sadden and confuse me because of the senseless loss of innocent lives. How can someone care so little about their fellow human beings, people they don't even know? As someone who deeply empathizes with human suffering it is agonizing to watch, to witness people's fear and grief. How do we exist in such an uncaring, cold world?

Nature, while beautiful, is brutal and powerful. Mere human beings are no competition in the face of a tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, or tornado. If they are lucky enough to find protection from Mother Nature's wrath, they survive. Human beings are horrible to one another. We treat each other cruelly and despicably, in varying degrees, from nasty comments to those with whom we disagree to bullying, torture, and human trafficking of children and women into the sex trade, and yes, killing one another. The way we treat each other is truly an abomination.

The only way to cope with the incomprehensibility of it all is to focus on what we can control and on gratitude. We have no control over outside forces, even when we think we do. So what can we control? The only thing I've found I can control is my own actions and how I respond in any given situation. I also try to focus on all that is wonderful in my life.

I am thankful for my family: both of my parents are still alive, and I have a great relationship with them; my sisters are my best friends; their children are like my own. I didn't know nine years ago when I was going through cancer treatments if I would see Aidan and Andrew grow up, but Aidan is now ten and Andrew is eight and they have a little sister who will be seven on May 1. My other sister has a daughter who just turned eight and a son who is five. How lucky am I?

My friends are amazing and my day job allows me a decent income and flexibility to pursue my dreams and goals. Again, how lucky am I? When a senseless tragedy happens, we must mourn the losses and acknowledge them, but we must also remember the positives in our own lives. I still believe there are far more good people residing in this world than evil ones. Sadly, it is the evil ones who more often capture our attention.

Fellow Everblogger E.A. Hauck shared a quote from Fred Rogers (I loved Mr. Rogers) yesterday which I had forgotten. It was a needed reminder that while we pay attention to the tragedy, we shouldn't forget the helpers. It is during tragedy that the best part of us is revealed as we care for the injured and support each other, so look for the helpers—there are many and we thank them.

When I speak at cancer conferences or events, I end my talks with: "None of us, whether healthy or sick, rich or poor, young or old, are guaranteed tomorrow. Live each day to the fullest. The past is gone, the future hasn't arrived; the present is all we have, so embrace it."

Peace to all.

Cross-posted at Evergreen Institute for Progressive Thought 

2012 Review and Reflections

At the end of each year, I take stock of all that I accomplished…and didn’t. After several years of moving forward in the acting realm, progress came to a screeching halt in April. The SAG-AFTRA merger in March actually led to less auditions, and I couldn’t get motivated to prepare for and pay to meet casting directors and agents at networking companies such as One on One and Actor’s Connection. Why? My focus was elsewhere.

My volunteer work in the cancer community was less active than in previous years, aside from speaking engagements at a few cancer conferences. Book sales for Rebirth were lackluster because marketing it this year was hardly a priority. My current thinking is that the book is out there in cyberspace and available to whomever may need it. Who knows, it may someday be a best seller, if I ever become a well-known commodity or a savvier promoter. But again, my focus was elsewhere.

So where was my focus? The answer is on France and politics. These two topics consumed me because this was my first trip to Paris—my first time in Europe, for that matter—and it was a Presidential election year.

 Planning for Paris was a blast and I delved into it with effortless zeal, reading Fodor’s France and Paris travel books and other books on Paris, brushing up on my language skills, and listening to French radio every morning on my smart phone on the way into the city (I still do) and to French music on the walk from the Port Authority to the my office on Park Avenue.

I ventured to Paris on my own. Furthermore, this was my first solo trip overseas, which was both frightening and exhilarating. I discovered that I was much more courageous and outgoing than I ever imagined and met some wonderful people. Paris was magical—one of the best experiences of my life and quite the adventure.

My October 15 post “Solo in Paris” details much of my trip in words and images, if interested in reading about it.

Once I returned from Paris on September 7, it was all about the election. I was transfixed on it. Reading blogs and news sites and watching news programs were all-consuming. Then there was the massive research and writing of blog posts I published on my own site. While I do write to persuade and share information, much of my writing is for me alone. Writing helps me formulate the reasons why I support certain positions and believe what I believe.

An enormous amount of time was spent researching, writing, and paying attention to politics and current events. I loved it even though often times it made—and still does make—me crazy, frustrated, and anxious. Then in a flash, the election was over (like Paris, here and gone) and the end of the year was near.

So, what did I accomplish this year? Well, it’s not an accomplishment, but I learned that I love to travel. I experienced several “firsts.” Paris and Las Vegas were cities I visited for the first time and traveled to both alone. In Las Vegas, I participated in a young adult cancer conference and being there by myself forced me out of my shell, to meet new people and engage with them. I also met author and healthcare activist Wendell Potter in Vegas. I emailed him before the conference to let him know I was attending and would enjoy meeting him. That bit of audacity paid off because every now and then we correspond over email.


With Wendell Potter

Another author I met this year was David Downie. He wrote one of the books, Paris, Paris: Journey into the City of Light, I read prior to my French vacation. I reached out to him via email a couple weeks before my trip and he was kind enough to meet me for coffee and sign my book. A couple months later, he checked in on me after Hurricane Sandy, and I wrote a glowing review for his book on Amazon.

With David Downie

These two author meetings happened because I took the initiative to reach out and ask for what I wanted. I did this in other areas of my life too with the results being that I met smart, accomplished people who may open the door for job opportunities down the road; and at the very least, my initiative afforded me interesting encounters, expanding my social and career networks. I am not naturally a connector, as many of my business-oriented friends are, but I am working on it.

Another first was NFL business travel. I assisted with the Club Business Development Sales & Marketing Conference in Chicago in November. This offered me the chance to be more involved with the work my group does and to meet many of the Club personnel with whom my relationships have been solely through online interactions. Now I am able to put faces to names and they know me, which is valuable in any occupation.

I realized this year that my interests are changing. I still love acting and should a role come along I really want to tackle, of course, I would jump at it. (I’m hoping for the opportunity to perform in Cincinnati in the next year or two – fingers crossed.)

However, over the past few years when out with my friends, even actor ones, I was not discussing acting; I was talking politics, and quite passionately. Recently I thought to myself, ‘Politics and current events are what I pay attention to the vast majority of the time. I read, research, write, and formulate ideas…’ then flash—‘this is how I should be making a living, or run for office, if I can muster the courage.’ I even explored what it would take to run for political office in March by attending a training program hosted by Emily's List and Eleanor's Legacy.

Emily's List - Political Opportunity Program - March 2012

Yet still, I find it impossible to release the image of my being an actor. It has been such a huge part of who I am for almost twenty years. How do you let go of an ingrained identity? This I believe is the biggest reason why I often feel stuck these days. I try to move forward, yet find myself clinging to the idea of a life I’m not even sure I want anymore.

Happily, I have come to a conclusion: I don’t have to shed my actor identity because it is a part of who I am regardless of if I am actively doing it at any given point in time. I have performance credits and skills and can return to acting at anytime. Just because other interests are pursued doesn’t mean performing is finished forever. Plus there are other avenues of performance: speaking and reporting, maybe even returning to cabaret and ballroom dancing, including swing and salsa. There are many options.

So, back to the question: What did I accomplish this year? A lot actually, but most importantly, the picture is clearer, though still a bit hazy, for where I am headed career-wise. I have amassed a sizable body of writing over the past eight years: my blog, a blog on Open Salon, my book, Rebirth, and a couple of published articles. I am a writer and an analyst. I can use my theatre, film, and speaking skills for on-camera reporting or anchoring, even if I create my own platform on YouTube. There are numerous ideas churning around in my brain, so I am a bit overwhelmed. Where to start? That is the question. If any of you have suggestions or contacts, I would love to hear them.

For now, I am going to spend the remainder of the year enjoying time with family and friends, not obsessing about politics or the “fiscal cliff” or thinking about careers, or anything else. Focus on the personal aspects of my life and give thanks for everyone and everything in it. Many friends’ families this year are dealing with cancer, other illnesses, divorce, and grieving for loved ones who passed away recently. Last Friday’s school shooting in Newtown, CT, was a stark reminder of how fleeting and fragile life is, and how circumstances beyond our control can bring about unspeakable sorrow in an instant. Never take those we love for granted.

Nine years ago today I was diagnosed with leukemia. It seems unbelievable that many years have passed. One thing I learned—and there were many lessons—during my treatment period was to live fully in the present. It is the one lesson I have consistently done well to remember and practice. The here and now is all we have. Don’t ignore it, no matter how mundane or unimportant it may seem.

On Thanksgiving Day, I saw a quote on Twitter that I felt compelled to share on Facebook. I think it bears repeating here:

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."

- Robert Brault



Christmas 2011 in Tell City, IN (One of the big things!)

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!