Thank you, Sylvia Plath

The third Writing for Your Life workshop for cancer survivors concluded Monday evening. This one posed some challenges as we canceled once due to inclement weather and another time due to a death in my family. The group was smaller than usual though it was supposed to be the largest to date. I even gave a one-on-one session the evening of January 24, so the usual group dynamic was lacking. I felt bad for the participants because they missed out on the camaraderie and support inherent in a larger group. Still, I believe what I had to share was of value—and healing.

Writing has been an essential tool for healing my emotional and spiritual wounds ever since I commenced journaling in 1992. For nearly two decades my journals have been constant companions, seeing me through romantic vicissitudes, career struggles, moves to various cities, extraordinary achievements, moments of deep sorrow and conflict, and my leukemia treatment and recovery period, to name a few.

In 1992, during my years at Indiana University studying theatre, I was cast in the role of Aurelia Schober Plath in the play Letters Home. (At age 26, I was cast as a 67-year-old woman* – only in a college environment or community theater would that happen.) The play was adapted from the book Letters Home, a compilation of poet Sylvia Plath’s letters to her mother (Aurelia) from the time she left for Smith College in 1952 until she committed suicide in 1963. This full-length play was the first time I performed a two-person show. I had minimal onstage experience but was determined to prove I was more than capable of tackling the role.

Thrilled to be cast, I enthusiastically dove into my research, reading the book, Letters Home, in its entirety and hungry for information, devouring any other resource materials I could get my hands on. One day in the book store I discovered The Journals of Sylvia Plath, a small paperback that cost $6.95. This inexpensive gem further illuminated Sylvia’s life and the relationship with her mother.

I was mesmerized by Sylvia’s prose and the way she utilized language to describe and convey every nuance of her surroundings and people, her torment trying to compose the perfect poem, her fragile emotional states (they were many) when rejected by publishers or lovers, her distress when anyone criticized her work, her vacillation between bliss and despair during romantic affairs, especially her desire for fellow poet, Ted Hughes, whom she eventually married. She adored him, but a few years later, they separated. The discovery of Sylvia’s rich, intense inner life and how she recorded it all in elaborate detail intrigued me, so I decided to begin my own writing journey.

A few days later, I purchased my first journal and used it to jot down thoughts and ideas I had for creating the role of Aurelia. The picture on the cover of that journal was Georges Seurat’s pointillist masterpiece Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. Having an almost-minor in art history, I knew this painting well and thought it was gorgeous, so I scooped up the journal and paid for it. A white ribbon marker was attached to it, which would later prove to be an accomplice in the slow unraveling of a five-year relationship. (Darn those page markers, but that’s another story.)

I share an excerpt from that first entry here:

June 9, 1992 (Tuesday) - Since I have been studying Sylvia Plath’s life—reading her letters, poetry, and journals—the desire to record my feelings and the events in my life has intensified. The way she expresses herself and the eloquent language she uses, composing impeccably structured sentences and possessing an extensive vocabulary sparks a bit of jealousy in me, for I’ve always thought writing a story, play, or a novel would be so gratifying.

Doing this play has me totally consumed with knowing Sylvia, even though I play her mother, Aurelia. But what better way to portray a mother than by knowing her daughter intimately? Sylvia’s life (as well as Aurelia’s) was fascinating, and I feel extremely fortunate to have this opportunity. Tomorrow I start memorizing Act II.

Throughout the years, I have used my journal in various ways:

• To record events in my life—the good and the bad;
• To set goals and strategize ways to achieve them;
• To deal with and work through challenges and issues; it has been an excellent problem-solving tool;
• For exploring my emotional life; clarifying thoughts and feelings;
• To brainstorm creative ideas, whether for acting, directing, singing or writing—or whatever;
• To record inspirational quotes and passages and write about why these touched me or resonated with me;
• To preserve letters (copies) that I wrote or that I received (originals);
• To record news events that would provide historical context for posterity’s sake.

These are only a few examples of how I use my journals. I have completed twenty-one journals to date, and all of them have proved to be effective tools for self-discovery and providing insight. They are a place where I can pour my thoughts out onto the page when I feel unable to talk to anyone about what it is I’m feeling or going through, especially late at night when I refuse to impose on anyone. The journal is my friend—an accepting, nonjudgmental companion.

As I prepare for upcoming journaling workshops, I plan to include posts in The Feisty Liberal about the healing benefits of journaling or expressive writing, types of journaling, tips for journaling, resistance and blocks to writing, and writing prompts and resources for anyone interested in starting or expanding their own writing journey.

I owe a huge thank you to Sylvia Plath. Her creativity, zest for life, and passion for the written word as well as how she honestly and fearlessly confronted raw emotions are what inspired me to start a journal and to continue journaling throughout the years.

If you keep a journal, who or what inspired you to start? When? Where? I’d like to know.

* I am unable to verify Aurelia's age in the play, but this is the number that sticks in my mind.

Death of a Loved-One Sparks Introspection and Wonder

My Uncle Al, 77, passed away on January 26 after two months of fighting side effects from a “uniquely effective, but uniquely toxic” medication, Amiodarone. Amiodarone is an antiarrhythmic medication that affects the rhythm of heartbeats. He was hospitalized for weeks (including over the Christmas holiday) then transferred to rehab as his health seemed to improve, but eventually found himself back in the hospital sicker than before. In the end, his quickly deteriorating condition, aggravated by internal bleeding in his lungs, was more than his body and spirit could bear.

Once notified of his passing, I started discussing travel arrangements with my sister Barbara who lives in New Jersey, too, and we booked flights for last Saturday from Newark International to Dayton, Ohio. Barbara secured a rental car at Dayton International and she, her four-year-old-daughter, Alexa, and I drove to Cincinnati to stay with our other sister, Karen, and her family. Mom and Dad arrived the next day, so Karen had a full house (she had insisted we all stay at her home).

We drove to Centerville together on Sunday afternoon to attend the visitation. A look of pleasant surprise lit up my cousin Tracy’s face the moment we walked in the room. He, his brother, Mike, and their mother, Aunt Addie, had no idea that Barbara and I would be flying in from New Jersey. I wasn’t sure I would be able to go due to the price of flights as well as possible inclement weather, but both the transportation and weather gods pulled it off without a hitch.

Both days, Sunday for the visitation at the funeral home, and Monday for the funeral at the church and the military internment at Dayton National Cemetery was quite emotional, especially moments when I witnessed my aunt and my cousins and their families shedding tears. Uncle Al was a gentle and compassionate man. I can’t recall him ever raising his voice. Growing up, all the cousins on my dad’s side of the family were very close. Each Easter when Grandma Lucy was still alive, we would gather together for an early dinner and afterwards play a game of kickball or softball; later, my dad would get out his guitar and all us kids would sing along while he played.

This past weekend further reinforced how extremely blessed I am, not only to have my immediate family, but also my extended one. What an amazing group of people. All this made me think of the complete randomness of my even being on this planet at this exact point in time; it sparked many thoughts about evolution.

How the Earth Was Made is one of my favorite History Channel shows – I bought the two- hour DVD a couple years ago, I liked it so much. 4.5 billion years is the generally agreed-upon age of the Earth by the scientific community. This is what they refer to as “deep time.” As I watched it last week (the History Channel aired it again), I started contemplating the concept of time, especially how it only exists once we arrive on this planet, or rather, once we are conscious of it. Think about the billions of years that have transpired before those of us currently living on this planet arrived. It’s awe-inspiring.

I know that my wonderful life is in large part due to the time when and the place where I was born, as well as to the parents who created me. I was born in 1966, a white female, in a small town in the Midwestern United States, to loving parents who struggled day after day to make sure their children had a better life than they did. I hit the jackpot in life compared to so many others in this world.

What if I had been born in a place where hunger and disease are part of one's daily existence or in a country where women are property and honor killings are par for the course if they do anything to bring shame on their families – even if they are the victim of rape? How different my life would be. The trajectory of our lives is largely, though definitely not completely, determined by the circumstances in which we start out.

Life and death are inextricably linked. Once we are born, the only guarantee is that someday we will die. What we do between birth and death is what counts, regardless of our circumstances; yet, we can always offer compassion to those who are less fortunate than us. One of Uncle Al’s virtues was a kind, compassionate heart.

The silver lining of attending a funeral is that you get to reconnect with family. It’s a mournful occasion, yet a celebration of the deceased’s life. We will miss Uncle Al, but the memory of his smile and the positive way he touched all our lives will endure. I am a better person for knowing him. Rest in peace, Uncle Al.

Rally for Girls' Sports!

The National Women’s Law Center is rallying today to support girls’ athletics. They asked bloggers to write about their involvement in sports and how it positively affected their lives. The question they asked: What did you win by playing sports? The following is an excerpt from The Accidental Feminist, an essay I wrote that was to be included in a friend’s anthology about feminism. Although she abandoned the project a couple years ago, I’m glad to be able to share a portion of my essay in this post.

What did I win by playing sports?
My journey starts with Title IX. Title IX of the Educational Amendments of 1972 states: No person in the U.S. shall, on the basis of sex be excluded from participation in, or denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any educational program or activity receiving federal aid. Athletics has created the most controversy regarding Title IX, but its gains in education and academics are notable, as more and more women are receiving post-graduate and professional degrees. Before Title IX, many schools refused to admit women or enforced strict limits.

I was six years old when Title IX became law. I had no idea that it even existed until I was in college; or that it was largely due to this that I was able to be a junior high and high school athlete; or that I was allowed the same opportunities to participate in athletics as the boys in my school. I’m not even sure I was aware that sports participation for girls in schools had been an issue at the time. What I did know was that I loved competing. And until I reached the age of ten, I could beat almost every boy in my class in sprints. That did change some once I was in high school, yet I managed to claim the girl’s track MVP title all four years. My sisters excelled in athletics, too. In fact, I recall my father telling me at one time that the high school football coach told him that he wished we three girls were boys.

Title IX paved the way for young girls to actively participate in organized sports, which I believe builds strength, confidence, and an eagerness to engage in competition, not shy away from it. We compete every day, in one way or another. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose, but I believe this about competition: When you lose, you pick yourself up and try again. This attitude has helped me to overcome obstacles and persevere in the face of tragedy. I face rejection constantly as an actress, but I have developed a thick skin (though admittedly, not as thick as I’d like). I know that if I attend enough auditions, I’m going to book jobs, so I keep doing it. I am a cancer survivor, and I wholeheartedly believe my competitive (or perhaps my fighting) spirit and the refusal to give up helped me regain my health.

The opportunity to compete empowers you to believe you can meet the goals you set. Because I was able to compete with members of the opposite sex at a young age, and then able to compete like them in the sports arena, I always felt women were as valuable as men. I was as competent, as smart, and as capable of accomplishing and doing anything they could. And so, my first foray into actively pursuing equal opportunities, where I saw girls blatantly excluded, occurred during my eighth grade year at St. Paul’s Catholic Grade School in Tell City, Indiana.

St. Paul’s housed grades K–8. Part of that Catholic education included attending Mass once a week during the school day. At that time, all the acolytes were boys. When I was in eighth grade, my friend Mariah and I decided that we wanted the opportunity to be altar servers, so we asked Father David Coats if we could do this. We felt that it was unfair that the boys could participate in the service this way and we couldn’t. Father Coats, being well ahead of his time, agreed that we should be able to serve. His decision caused quite the uproar.

The boys in our class were terribly upset that we would dare infiltrate their male domain, so much so that they called a meeting about it, which Mariah and I attended. In the end, we were allowed to serve. Mariah and I were the first girl servers at our church. After that, several other girls decided they wanted to try it, too. I only served once or twice, and that was during the school week, not during weekend Mass, but we’d made our point, and we were satisfied. Today, I’m encouraged because wherever I attend Mass, I often see girl servers, which perhaps will be an impetus for change (hopefully sooner rather than later) in the Catholic Church regarding women’s ordainment as priests. But that discussion is for a different essay.

Title IX allowed me to discover my potential, not just as an athlete, but also as a human being. Participating and excelling in athletics prepared me for dealing with and conquering life’s challenges and gave me the confidence to live life on my terms and to follow some of my dreams, no matter how unrealistic they may seem to others or how scary they may be to me.

Ladies, how has participation in athletics positively impacted your life?

Get Swabbed!

 “Get swabbed!” was the directive printed on all the promotional materials for the DKMS and Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) bone marrow donor drive held today (September 25) at Beth Israel Medical Center in Manhattan.  I knew I wanted to volunteer to work this event the moment I received the email inquiry for volunteers from the LLS. As a blood cancer survivor who was lucky enough to have had a sibling bone marrow donor, I am acutely aware of the patients who are not so fortunate.

I was one of the volunteers situated at the information tables—the first area where potential donors stopped before being tested. Our job was to make sure they were not already in the registry, that they met certain criteria, and that they understood both methods for donating bone marrow: the peripheral blood stem cell (PBSC) draw (approximately 70-80% of collections are performed this way) and the bone marrow extraction (approximately 20-30% of collections are performed this way).

We also had to inform them that they would be on the registry until age 61 and that they are donating to any searching patient who matches their tissue type. After visiting our table, they proceeded to registration and testing. Testing involved swabbing the inside of both their cheeks with cotton-tipped swabs. These swabs will be sent to a lab for HLA testing and entered into the Be The Match Registry (operated by the National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP)). Donor data is entered in anonymous form and all information is confidential.

Per the NMDP, only 3 out of every 10 patients will receive a transplant that could save their lives. I was so inspired by those who showed up today, and especially pleased at the number of black and Hispanic people who were there, because it is these populations that are sorely underrepresented in the registry.

I encourage all of you to get swabbed; be a bone marrow donor.  This afternoon, a young woman who works for DKMS said, “Imagine if everyone in this country were in the registry.” Yes, imagine! If I could, I would be in the registry, but I’ve had cancer, so I cannot; though that is not true for all cancers, as there are exceptions: cervical, breast, and bladder (stage o) and cured skin cancer.

If interested in becoming a bone marrow donor, or if you want to help in some way, here are some ideas per the DKMS brochure:

1. Sign up to be a bone marrow donor online
2. Donate $65.00 to sponsor a donor (I did this today) – DKMS is a National Donor Center. DKMS does not charge the $65.00 registration fee, so they rely on the generosity of supporters – every dollar counts!
3. Organize a bone marrow drive in your community, at your office or school
4. Encourage family members and friends to register with DKMS (I’m doing this right now – hint, hint)
5. Help DKMS raise funds by holding an event, raffle, etc. in your community

Those who know me, and are familiar with my history, understand how much the work of DKMS, Be The Match, the LLS and other cancer organizations means to me. Again, I encourage you to consider becoming a bone marrow donor. You never know whose life you may save, and to them, your generosity and courage will mean the world; you will be their hero. I guarantee it! 

Writing For Your Life: Journal Writing Workshop for Cancer Survivors

The next Writing for Your Life workshop is scheduled!

Dates: 5 Sessions EVERY Tuesday evening
• May 4
• May 11
• May 18
• May 25
• June 1

Time: 6:30 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.

Location: The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
475 Park Avenue South, 8th Floor
New York, NY 10016

The Goal of Writing for Your Life
To use writing as a means to empower the cancer patient during diagnosis, treatment, and recovery by:
1.) Coming to terms with your illness
2.) Exploring your emotional life and any difficult issues with which you may be struggling
3.) Formulating ideas for living fully in the present, while fighting cancer
4.) Devising strategies that will aid in the healing of mind, body, and spirit
5.) Clarifying and outlining your hopes for the future
 
Caregivers are welcome to attend, as well.
 
To register please contact:
Maria Feeney at 212-376-4770 or maria.feeney@lls.org

Becoming Conscious

NOTE: Much of what I address in this blog is from Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of NOW  (Excellent book about this topic; I highly recommend it.)

This post is written for my Writing for Your Life workshop participants because there is a huge snowstorm today (a blizzard warning, in fact), so we canceled tonight’s session. (However, I hope anyone who reads it enjoys it and learns something.) For the workshop, I prepared a discussion about living more fully in the present. Carol, Iesha, Joel, Laura, and Becki, I want you to know that in preparing for this workshop over the past two weeks, I have been motivated to once again begin meditating regularly and to refocus on being aware of my behaviors and reactions. I thank you for this motivation. 

Awareness is the Key to Living in the Present

It was the usual morning stampede through the subway to get to work. Hoards of seemingly unhappy individuals were making their way up and down the stairs and escalators, bumping into each other. As I stepped off the last escalator and into the 42nd Street corridor of Grand Central station, a large man stepped on the back of my heel causing my shoe to come off and me to stumble. He didn’t acknowledge me, he just kept going; not one word of “Excuse me” or “I’m sorry.” ‘Really?’ I thought, ‘how rude.’

I continued walking through Grand Central to the underground corridor that leads me to 48th Street, right where my office is located. The sad part is that during most of that walk, I spent it raging internally at this man for his rude and careless behavior. An intense monologue, sometimes even a dialogue with him, was being created as to how I would berate him. Finally, I took a deep breath and realized what I was doing; I became conscious of my harmful thoughts, thoughts that could only hurt me. I would never see this person again, so all I was doing was allowing his bad behavior to affect the quality of my life and disturb my emotional equanimity. I was giving another person power over how I felt and thus, removing myself from the present moment and dealing with a past action that truly had no bearing on anything in my life. So, I let it go.

Awareness is probably the most important element to being in the NOW or living fully in the present moment. In The Power of NOW, Eckhart Tolle writes that if you are experiencing anxiety, worry and unease, there is too much future focus; if you are experiencing guilt, bitterness and resentment, there is too much past focus. By focusing on the present, we can alleviate many of these harmful emotions. We can cope with the present, but we cannot cope with the future because it is illusory; it is only in our minds. Another way of avoiding the NOW is the barrage of thoughts the mind creates on a daily basis.

Most people have relentless chatter running through their minds; they never stop thinking. These thoughts are mostly about what they imagine will happen in the future or about past events and situations. The ego has a lot to do with this. It demands our attention; it identifies with external things like possessions, careers, social status, physical appearance, relationships, belief systems, religious, political and racial identifications, etc. And because it identifies with these things, it constantly needs to be "fed and defended."

These externalities are not you; they are your life situation. The ego can never get enough, so it continually demands more. This is why when you reach a certain income level, or get a promotion, or get that new car, you are happy for a brief time, but then the ego wants something more – the next big thing. This is also true of peoples’ problems. Some people are so attached to their problems, even their illnesses, that it becomes who they are. They may not like their situation, but they are comfortable with it; it is familiar. And the ego hates change.

Tolle says that: “once you are aware of this dysfunction, you can step out of it, you become present; and when present, you can allow the mind to be as it “is” and not get entangled in it.” This will allow you to function more effectively and calmly, with less drama in your life. To overcome the ego, he suggests that the next time you find yourself getting defensive about something to ask yourself: What is it that I’m defending?

He further gives some examples of how we avoid the NOW:

1.       Complaining – complaining is non-acceptance of what “is.” Once you can accept a situation, you can deal more effectively with it. Acceptance does not mean you agree with it or like it, just that you accept what it “is.” Once you have accepted the situation you have three choices: remove yourself from it, change it, or accept it. Then accept the consequences.   
2.       Are you waiting to start living? Are you postponing something until you get that raise, the kids are in college, you buy that new home, you take that next trip, or you get married? If so, you are missing the present moment. Tolle suggests in this situation to switch your thinking to: what are you grateful for NOW in your current life situation and experiences? The NOW is where prosperity lies.
3.       Negativity – any kind of negativity is resistance to the now. And while there is negativity, use it to your advantage—as an opportunity to become more aware. Notice negativity in your life; don’t let it overtake your thoughts and emotions. You have control over this.

Lastly (and I think this is one of Tolle’s best suggestions), when you find yourself in an unpleasant situation, focus not on the 100 things you will or may have to do at some point in the future, but rather on the one thing you can do now. By doing this, you bring yourself into the present and you avoid being overwhelmed by so many tasks that may lead to inaction.

When I was going through cancer treatments, I read many books on being present, meditation, gratitude, and all of it was beneficial to me. In fact, at that time, I was more centered, calm and content than I ever was before or have been since. Much loss of that centeredness is definitely due to being out in the world interacting with others, not sequestered as I was during my illness; yet a good deal of it is due to the fact that as the leukemia experience recedes further into the past, I have gotten away from the meditation and awareness exercises that I regularly practiced during that time. I am now trying to reconnect with those practices.

I warn all who have the courage to start an “awareness regimen” that it is tiring. You will discover how often you react negatively to situations or engage in behaviors that aren’t so nice, but it will help you to change those behaviors and will definitely make you more conscious of the present moment. I discovered the benefits of it years ago. And while I am not as aware as I was in 2004 and 2005, I am much more aware, or conscious, than I was prior to cancer. To me, awareness is the most important way to become more present in your life and enjoy it more.

The NOW is all we have. The past is gone; the future has not arrived. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, so live for NOW.

(If interested in reading more about my exploration of "living in the present", see the May 3, 2004 entry.)

Writing for Your Life

A Journal Writing Workshop for Cancer Survivors


I am a huge proponent of journal writing; I’ve been doing it since 1992. So when I was diagnosed with leukemia in December 2003, I knew my journal would be my constant companion. I recorded information and daily events, processed my emotions, and explored my past, in particular, how holding on to old hurts and resentments may have contributed to my illness.

After four rounds of high-dose chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant, I was on the road to recovery. In January 2008, I was unemployed for two weeks and spent much of that time revising the manuscript for my book, Rebirth: A Leukemia Survivor’s Journal of Healing during Chemotherapy, Bone Marrow Transplant, and Recovery. I had also recently become a volunteer with the New York City chapter of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS). As I was working on my book, it hit me that perhaps I could implement a journal writing workshop for cancer patients. Journaling had been an effective tool in my healing arsenal, so, I thought why not share it with others?

Inspired, I began to jot down ideas and within a few hours had produced an outline of a program I thought could be quite effective. A couple months later, I presented a workshop proposal to Meg Harrison, Patient Services Manager, at the LLS’s NYC chapter. She thought it was a great idea, but nothing transpired from that encounter.

My belief never waivered that one day the workshop would become a reality. So later that year, I approached Renee Stein Goetz, a social worker whom I knew from my time being treated for leukemia at Hackensack University Medical Center (HUMC), to see if anyone there might be interested in a journal writing workshop. I met with Renee, and in 2009 conducted two workshops at HUMC, one with a breast cancer survivor group (in January) and the second with a stem cell transplant survivor group (in May).

These were actually more like discussions as opposed to workshops. In the breast cancer group, we talked about the journaling process and different ways to journal. They were an inquisitive bunch who contributed many ideas that sparked much lively conversation. The stem cell transplant group was more subdued, yet attentive. They had the opportunity to complete one writing exercise, and most particpants shared with the group what they'd written.

These two journaling programs made me realize more time would be necessary to hold an effective journal writing workshop, so I made some adjustments. Then in August 2009, I received a call from Meg asking me if I was still interested in conducting my journaling workshop. Of course, I was! So now, two years after envisioning it, my first workshop series commences on January 13, 2010.

I decided to name the workshop Writing for Your Life, because upon reflection of my own life—even before cancer—I’d literally been writing for my life: planning and strategizing goals, processing emotions, and recording events, etc.The goal of Writing for Your Life is to use writing as a means to empower the cancer patient/survivor during diagnosis, treatment, and recovery by:

1.) Coming to terms with your illness

2.) Exploring your emotional life and any difficult issues with which you may be struggling

3.) Formulating ideas for living fully in the present, while fighting cancer

4.) Devising strategies that will aid in the healing of mind, body, and spirit

5.) Clarifying and outlining your hopes for the future

Workshop details:
Dates:
5 Sessions on Wednesday evenings
• January 13 and 27
• February 10 and 24
• March 10

Time: 6:30 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.

Location:
The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
475 Park Avenue South, 8th Floor
New York, NY 10016

Although this workshop is held at the LLS office, it is open to all cancer survivors. If you, or anyone you know, may be interested, please contact Maria Feeney at the LLS at 212-376-4770 or maria.feeney@lls.org. If you have specific questions, you may contact me at deborah@deborahludwig.com.

Check out Dr. Regina Huelsenbeck's blog: Rituals of Healing

Rebirth: A Leukemia Survivor's Journal of Healing during Chemotherapy, Bone Marrow Transplant, and Recovery is featured on Dr. Huelsenbeck's blog. She is a cancer survivor; at age 19 she was diagnosed with lymphoma. Her cancer experience led her to pursue a career in psycho-oncology/therapy.

Please take a moment to visit not only her blog, but her entire site. It is filled with information, healing resources, and inspiration.

                                                                                                                   

Congratulations. You did it!

‘Congratulations. You did it!’ read the silver balloon I carried out of Dr. Goldberg’s office today. I had just completed my five-year oncology follow-up. My CBC results looked great—white blood cell, red blood cell, and platelet counts all within the normal ranges. I am now able to get life insurance; federal law guarantees that cancer survivors cannot be discriminated against when looking for life insurance after 5 years of being cancer-free. In a few days, the proof will arrive in the mail in the form of the letter Dr. Goldberg was dictating when I left. Best of all, I can now officially declare: I am cured!

A swirl of emotions churned inside of me as I took that last walk down the familiar hallway and out the Cancer Center's door. Before I left the examining room, I gave Dr. Goldberg a signed copy of Rebirth and told him how much I appreciated everything he'd done for me and how blessed I am to have had him as my doctor. He was always honest with me, yet compassionate; he listened to and answered all my questions without ever getting defensive or impatient; over the years, he answered every e-mail I sent to him, whether it was a question about my health or my book; and he wrote the foreword to Rebirth. I gave him two big hugs and thanked him. “You’re welcome,” he replied; then added, “Days like today are why we do what we do.” I’m a success story. Hell, I’m a miracle.

I walked out with Renee, a social worker at HUMC whom I’ve gotten to know well over the past year, as I’ve been meeting with patients preparing for or going through stem cell/bone marrow transplantation and trying to get my journal writing workshop for cancer patients started. As we talked, tears welled up in my eyes and the words caught in my throat. I’ve waited so long for this day to come, and yet the experience doesn’t feel all that far in the past. I can’t even explain why I was tearing up except, perhaps, I could finally, at last, breathe an enormous sigh of relief—I'd made it to that coveted five-year mark.

Before I left the hospital, I went to the Stem Cell Transplant Center and spent some time with two brave women—both mothers, both struggling through complications after stem cell transplantation. I listened, shared parts of my story that may prove helpful to them, and gave encouragement. Both were grateful for my having spent some time with them; for patients, it gives so much hope to see someone who has been where they are and is now on the other side of cancer. (I definitely felt that way back in 2004 when I spoke with those who were several years cancer-free.) And these interactions, meeting these survivors are just as beneficial and inspirational to me. They are a reminder of what I went through, which further strengthens my dedication to helping cancer survivors and working toward the eradication of this insidious disease.

Five years – yay! I did it!

With Cancer Survivorship Comes Great Responsibility

It hit me yesterday, perhaps harder than ever, that my having survived cancer nearly five years ago requires that I live boldly, sharing my God-given talents to help make the world, if only a small portion of it, a better place. I was sifting through e-mails and received one from my cousin Cindy who has a friend whose sister passed away last Saturday after a relapse of cancer—she’d had leukemia. Cindy had told me about this a couple of weeks ago and asked for any advice or information I could share, especially regarding clinical trials. The woman had been in remission from the leukemia but when the cancer came back, it had spread to her liver.

As I read Cindy’s e-mail, I once again realized how extremely fortunate I have been. There is no justice or reason in the randomness of who dies or survives illness, whatever their age; and sometimes survivor’s guilt surfaces. We know we are all going to die, but we expect, and hope, it will be later rather than sooner. So when I read stories of young people passing away before their time, it makes me achingly aware that none of us is guaranteed tomorrow, that we should make the most of each day, be truly present in the company of our loved ones, and do what we enjoy and have passion for in life.

We must stop postponing dreams and goals, thinking we have all the time in the world: I’ll do it when I have more money, when I’m older, when my kids are grown, when I’ve learned more or gained more experience. How many excuses can we devise to remain stuck in our current existence? Familiarity can breed stagnation. Many times we remain stagnant because the familiar is a comfortable place in which to reside, even if we are unhappy, discontented, and the realization of—or even first steps toward—unfulfilled dreams remain dormant and far off in the distance.

Since my cancer diagnosis, I have tried to live my life more daringly and manifest my dreams by taking the appropriate actions. And I have accomplished some of these goals—the most exciting one was writing my book, Rebirth, which was written with the intention to help, encourage, and inspire patients going through cancer. The prospect of the book being completed and available to help anyone in need has been very fulfilling, and I can envision my message widely spread throughout the country. However, now that the book is ready to make its debut, I feel some trepidation. What if it’s not good enough? What if it is criticized? Well, I ask myself, “What if this does happen?” Whatever happens, I know I will be fine.

When I set out to author this book it was with the intention of helping others, and it will only be able to do that if it is out in the world. Furthermore, if Rebirth helps even one person, then I've accomplished my goal. What I must remember is that I was given creative gifts: the ability to act, to write, to speak, all injected with a good deal of compassion to boot. As someone who vowed to make a difference in the world and to be a braver person if I made it through my cancer battle, it would be a betrayal to not keep that vow. So it is with this intention in mind that I march onward to promote my book and achieve all the creative goals I’ve set regardless of the outcome.

As a cancer survivor, it is my responsibility to make sure that I not only give back to the people who so generously helped me through that terrible ordeal, but also to give forward to other cancer patients and survivors, or anyone going through a difficult time. But perhaps more importantly, is the responsibility to hold myself accountable for the dreams and goals I set that could have disappeared along with my life had I died from the leukemia. And in a way, that may be the biggest responsibility of all—keeping the promises I made to myself. For how can I possibly encourage others to muster the audacity to take flight, spread their wings, and soar into the unknown if I lack the nerve to do it myself?

Goals and Dreams Become Reality

A book published; a journal writing workshop for cancer patients developed and being piloted; a Web site completed by January 31, 2009. These are goals I put into motion over the past five years, one year, and six months respectively, that have now come to fruition. This is not the first time in my life that I’ve written down goals and accomplished them. Sometimes goals are achieved quickly; other times, they’ve taken nearly a decade; and then there are those yet to be attained.

To spark others toward acting on their dreams and goals, one suggestion I give is to write them down (which is what I do). I believe the written word transports creative energy out into the universe, manifesting those words as concrete results. Writing is also a means of holding oneself accountable. If you write down goals and dreams, they seem more real, and you’re now committed to accomplishing them and sticking with them through the challenges, of which there are oftentimes many.

This does not mean if you truly lose interest in your previously specified pursuit, you should slog onward; there is no joy in drudgery. In fact, if you find yourself struggling over a long period of time, you are no longer receiving personal fulfillment, and you have to force yourself to do the work, at this point, it is best to release these dreams and goals. It’s now time to discover new ones.

However, if your struggle is fleeting, and you find yourself periodically vacillating between periods of frustration and inspiration, persevere long enough to see if any progress is being made. As long as you see incremental progress, regardless of how small, you will stay excited about pursuing your dreams and goals. These baby steps will eventually transform into something spectacular.

My first couple weeks of 2009 have been pretty amazing. I’m full of positive energy, and I am excited to see how the year continues to unfold. Happy New Year and cheers!

National Cancer Survivors Day with Women Conquering Cancer

June 1, 2008
I celebrated the four year anniversary of my bone marrow transplant on June 1, which was also National Cancer Survivors Day. I had no clue that June 1 was National Cancer Survivors Day when I had my bone marrow transplant on June 1, 2004. This year I spent June 1 representing the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in Brooklyn, New York, at a cancer survivor event sponsored by Women Conquering Cancer.

Per the event brochure, Women Conquering Cancer was founded by Sister Khaleelah Shabazz, who is also a cancer survivor, in 2005 under the name “Sisters Coping with Cancer.” On January 17, 2007, they were granted not-for-profit status and changed their name to what it is today. Most of the group’s members are of African-Caribbean American descent and are Muslims, Christians, and people of other faiths. Khaleelah Shabazz was the chair of the event and the woman to whom I reported.

I arrived at Akbar Hall in Brooklyn around noon, and Khaleelah directed me to the table assigned to the LLS. I began arranging brochures and booklets that the LLS had sent in advance on the large, round, wooden table. I discovered upon my arrival that I was to be a speaker as well. The woman from the American Cancer Society had canceled, so a replacement was needed. I was thrilled, but because I’d been given no advanced notice, I had to organize the table quickly, then sit down and compile notes for my brief overview of the LLS, its services, and my work as a volunteer.

As I began writing, a six-year old girl named Saidah approached my table and discovered a stack of activity books for children (provided by the LLS) and asked if she could have one. I told her she absolutely could. She then asked if I had some crayons. I did not but I gave her a pencil, which seemed to suffice. After that she returned to my table frequently, and we ended up playing together a bit. She had found a red balloon and was having fun blowing it up, and then we’d take turns releasing the air onto each other. She found this very amusing, and I thought she was quite adorable.

Between moments of interacting with this darling but precocious child, I worked on my notes. Being my four year anniversary of bone marrow transplant, I decided to share that milestone after my greeting, and then relay information to the audience about the LLS, its history, mission, services, and programs. After my speech, I garnered positive responses from several members of the audience, and I believe they appreciated knowing that I too was a cancer survivor because it connected us. It is truly fulfilling to know you’ve touched people’s lives or helped them in some way, and I didn’t even share my story – only a tiny portion of it: the BMT anniversary.

Because the majority of attendees were Muslim, prayers and greetings were given in Arabic, yet they were mindful and inclusive of those of us from different religious and ethnic backgrounds. At the end of the day, Shaikh Abdu Rashid led the Hour Father after saying an Islamic prayer.

After the event, I spoke with Sharif, an ex-police officer, who shared with me his experience working at ground Zero after September 11. It must have absolutely horrific. What I saw on my television in Cincinnati was a highly sanitized version of events. Sharif saw the blood and gore up close, on the front lines. We talked about tragic events being life-changing moments, and he thanked me for being involved in their cancer survivor day celebration.

Somehow our conversation turned to the topic of peace and acceptance in our world, and I told him that I believe we all want the same things: that we and our families are happy, healthy, and safe, and that our world sustains us. I believe we need to focus on the similarities of our goals, as opposed to the differences. I’ve said repeatedly that it is people’s focus on their differences that divide us and prevent us from confronting tough issues, thus further engendering feelings of separateness. In order to be able to see each other as equals, with similar desires, this separateness must be eliminated, otherwise, the perception of “otherness” remains and finding common ground, or compromise, is nearly impossible.

I have a handful of black and Hispanic friends, but the majority of my close relationships are within my own race. At the NFL, I work with people from all ethnic, racial, and cultural backgrounds, which is one of the positives of being employed there. I try to take advantage of the diversity to learn more about others and their backgrounds.

Participating in the Women Conquering Cancer event forced me out of my comfort zone because I was one of two Caucasians in attendance. This was an opportunity to place myself in a situation where I was not surrounded by people with the same racial, ethnic, or religious affiliation, and it was eye-opening; yet, it was a bit uncomfortable, too, when a council member began speaking about politics and his support of Barack Obama and then disparaging Hillary Clinton.

As a Clinton supporter, I was a bit offended, and I felt this type of proselytizing was inappropriate at this event, which should have focused on cancer survivors, maintained a highly positive and inspirational tone, and disseminated information relative to cancer, cancer prevention, and cancer survival. I feel this event should only have been politicized to the extent that it was relevant to the cancer survivor’s experience and the raising of capital and the passage of legislation for research to find cures for cancer. But obviously, the councilman felt the conveyance of his message was important to this particular audience, so I sat there and restrained myself from reacting to rhetoric with which I disagreed. However, I was open-minded enough to listen and to even agree with some of what he said.

The community was very warm and welcoming toward me. I hope, and would be honored, to have the opportunity to speak at some of Women Conquering Cancer’s Health Forums, which begin in the fall. I think it is important to reach across cultures and religions in order to recognize and embrace each other’s humanity. We’re less likely to harm those with whom we identify, but rather, show compassion. It is when we do not identify with or understand others that people are objectified, viewed as second-class citizens, or worse, seen as less than human, and then atrocities can occur: bombings, genocide, torture, and all sorts of other crimes.

June 1 was a special day that lingers in my mind, even fifty-two days afterwards. My afternoon spent with Women Conquering Cancer made me realize how similar we are despite skin color or ideology. Kindness, acceptance, openness, and willingness to work together can help us achieve great things. Cancer makes no distinction between race, religion, or ethnicity; it is an equal opportunity disease, so the fight against cancer is definitely one cause in which we can agree to forge alliances in order to make progress. And perhaps in finding this common ground and working together in the health field, we will discover other common goals to improve and transform our world into a more prosperous, safe, and peaceful place for all its inhabitants.

And the total is...

The final total for my Mother's Day Tea Fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society is $2,540.00!! Thanks to all who contributed; we surpassed my goal by 254%.

Three years now…

It has been three years since my bone marrow transplant, and even though it seems like a long time ago, I remember it as if it were yesterday. Etched in my memory are: the smell of the hospital room, Karen waltzing into the room right as the doctor was getting ready to infuse the marrow into me, the intense scratchy feeling in my throat caused by the preservatives in the blood, and Karen and Karen B sitting next to me, supporting me, willing my body to accept Barbara’s stem cells.

It was a scary time; it was a sad time; but mostly it was a time of hope. Those four weeks (after I’d already spent a week in the hospital) were the longest weeks of my life. And at least one week’s memories have been lost due to all the medications given to me the second week to alleviate my physical pain.

Three years later, I have just been cast in the lead female role in an independent film, Twists of Fate, which begins filming in July, I have shot two commercials, am actively auditioning, taking acting classes, working at the NFL as a long-term temp (since June 2005), have completed my first fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (exceeding my goal by 251%!), ready to publish Rebirth: A Leukemia Journal, may have a piece published in a feminist anthology my friend Adele is working on, and my friends and family are well and healthy. But probably the most joy I’ve experienced over the past three years involve my kids—my nephews and nieces. Aidan is four, Andrew is almost three, Grace is two, and Alexa is one. Another nephew, Nate, will arrive in October.

When I am around the children I never stop laughing – well, okay sometimes when Aidan and Andrew are kicking the crap out of each other I’m not so jovial. But overall they bring so much joy to my life. I see Aidan, Andrew, and Alexa every two to three weeks – I just can’t stay away. It is sad that Grace lives so far away, so I only see her on rare occasions, and we don’t have the opportunity to really build a bond (like I have with Barbara’s children). That doesn’t mean I love her any less though.

Falling in love—or at least dating someone I am really attracted to—remains the most elusive dream for me to realize. I still can’t seem to connect with anyone. It is the same story: they’re attracted to me, I’m not to them; I’m attracted to them, they’re not to me. I am trying to keep visualizing what I want as opposed to what I don’t want in a relationship. I tried match.com for six months and was going to cancel after my six months, but then thought it was pretty silly not to take advantage of the guarantee (if you don’t find someone within six months, you get six months free). So I’m retaining my membership for six more months, and afterwards will probably not renew it. This is really not the ideal medium for me to meet quality men, and I’ve been skeptical from the start. I need to be out living my life and meeting people doing the things I love—dancing, volunteering, acting.

Life is good, but I must admit that I do worry about little aches and pains, especially those that linger for a while. For instance, I had pretty severe pain in my upper left thigh last winter for about five months, but it eventually went away. I’ve had some minor throat pain for about a month now (not a sore throat, but pain in my upper throat area under my chin). I have been saying affirmations and prayers and using positive thinking to help alleviate the pain, and if it is something more severe, to eradicate it from my system. I’m not ready to see a doctor about it just yet. However, if it continues to persist, I will need to make a doctor’s appointment.

Well, it is a summer Friday at the NFL, it is about 2:00 pm and I’m hoping to leave soon. I have a go-see for a print job for Chartered Accountants and then I’m meeting Joe. He has been in New York for a conference this past week and is staying with me this evening. He will be my first overnight guest since I moved into my apartment last June.

I have much to celebrate – it is another birthday. Biologically I’m forty-one, but blood-wise I’m three!

Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Mother's Day Tea Fundraiser

As of today, I have raised $2,515.00 for the LLS. This is my first fundraising effort for the Society. I feel blessed to have had so many people help me to signifianctly exceed my $1,000.00 goal. Tomorrow is my three year rebirthday. I will have much to write tomorrow. For now, I feel fortunate to be able to live my life and reach for my goals: I recently shot a commercial for Holy Spirit Health Systems and have been cast in a lead role (Lee) in the independent movie, Twists of Fate. We begin shooting in July.

Thanks to everyone who helped in my fundraising effort! God bless.

Dark Days…

Some days you wish you had just curled up beneath the bed covers and disappeared for the next twenty-four hours. I don’t have many bad days, but today was kind of unsettling. I don’t know if the lady in the elevator, who has completely clueless about the concept of personal space, set my annoyance in motion, or if being referred to as “Glat’s assistant” by a VP, who damn well knows my name (he’s known me for two years), sparked my ire. Both occurrences happened this morning. It seems almost inevitable that if the day begins badly, it continues on that trajectory. Do other unpleasant or frustrating events keep manifesting because of the negative attitude one keeps holding onto once these feelings arise?

Oftentimes I feel guilty for being testy, impatient, or angry. I had cancer, I’ve dealt with very serious life and death issues, and so I should be able to effortlessly rise above petty annoyances, impatience-inducing situations, and all the dreadful news stories. For instance, daily, I read the news, I listen to it, I watch it; I am freaking inundated with news and therefore, all the tragedy, unkindness, injustice, and corruption in the world overwhelm my compassionate and docile nature.

We live in a world where onlookers stand by and watch a seventeen-year-old girl being stoned to death by four men—they make no attempt to save her life, but they sure as hell can record the incident on their cell phones. We live in a world where people get some perverted pleasure watching dogs fight to the death, ripping viciously at each others’ flesh. We reside in a world where parents will put a baby in a microwave, and where holier-than-thou-do-gooders want rape and incest victims to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, living with the reminder of their attacker’s brutality for nine months. These are all stories I’ve been reading about over the past week. I cannot comprehend this callous disregard for life, and yes, I’m referring to life already existing on this planet.

Helplessness and sadness blankets me, smothering all positive feelings I may possess when I read about or hear of these stories. So, after the above incidents happened and then reading these news articles, I decided to leave for my audition, thinking that the sunshine and a warm breeze would transform my mood.

I stepped out of 280 Park and headed toward the subway. A gentle breeze caressed my skin, my hair blew softly, and the warmth penetrated my white jacket. I love the brightness, clear skies, and warmth of a spring day. Yet once I arrived at the subway, the V train was pulling away. I waited for two E trains to pass before another V train arrived. It took me an hour to get to 21st Street from 53rd. Then once at the audition, there were twenty-five plus people ahead of me, and the auditors were conducting five-minute interviews. At this rate, I’d be there for two more hours. I just didn’t have the patience to wait that long for a $350 job. So, I scratched my name off the list and left. Of course, on the way back to the office, at the subway, I had to wait for two F trains before a V arrived. See? It was one of those days when even the little things—like catching a subway train—don’t go your way.

I really try to maintain a positive attitude, but the constant effort gets exhausting. I think we need to allow ourselves to experience our frustration, anger, or sadness. I believe that sometimes the positive-attitude mantra is crap, and all I long to do is wallow in my misery and anger because that anger empowers me. However, that being said, I don’t stay in this disgruntled state too long because, by nature, I am a positive, optimistic person who believes that our thoughts create our reality.

Yet it is unrealistic to be positive all the time, and anyone who claims to be is a liar. I don’t enjoy calling people liars, but sometimes these purveyors of positive thinking can make us feel lacking in conviction or inadequate when we have lapses in this positive frame of mind. Positive-thinking fatigue sets in and then what I really want to do is throw myself on the floor, fists pounding it, and scream.

Boy, it feels really good to write this. I am actually smiling right now. I think my day just turned around. A little bit of negativity can be good if it is used as a learning tool. By grappling with these feelings and trying to understand them, I have cleared my mind and released muscle tension. I can begin anew. It is 3:28 in the afternoon and I can start afresh—no need to wait until tomorrow. I breathe in and out, calm my thoughts, and let my fingers move leisurely over this keyboard on which I’m typing. I feel centered.

So my friends, embrace your anger, experience it, and then let it go so that you can once again work on the positive aspects of your life. And don’t judge yourself too harshly; I’m not. Just because I survived cancer and learned many lessons, doesn’t mean I’ve overcome all the imperfections that make me human; I still battle them and will continue to do so. The key is to know when to experience negative emotions and when to send them on their way. This knowledge keeps me on track to receive all the good in my life and, regardless of all the tragedy and injustice inherent in it, the world too.

Maintaining Equanimity During Romantic Vicissitudes

I find myself these days continually trying to remember the lessons I learned during my illness, but I am finding as I get further away from the experience, I am forgetting, or ignoring, many of them. How to remember? It’s a matter of reflecting on that time and thinking about being present in the moment, valuing my life, not taking for granted my family and friends, focusing on the gifts present in my life, as opposed to what is absent, and trying to remain calm and compassionate in aggravating circumstances.

One aggravating situation is my current romantic status, or rather, lack of a romantic status. Men have always baffled me, and even after committing to readjusting my attitude, I continue to be perplexed by the male species. As women, we analyze everything. My goal is to eliminate this analyzation from my female brain, especially when it pertains to men. For instance, I recently had one of the best dates in years. And those who know me know that I do not date often. I am quite selective, and after the RM debacle back in 1999, I have a pretty good sense of myself—dignity, what I won’t tolerate, how I expect to be treated, and being in touch with my emotions in relation to a guy with whom I may be involved (is he a crazy-maker or a dream-maker?).

This date I went on recently was with a gentleman I met at a callback audition. We were paired together and spent much of the time talking as we waited in the hallway. He gave me his card (twice) and then when I left, told me he’d like to hear from me. Cool, I thought. I walked back to the office, smiling the whole way.

I e-mailed him the next day to ask about the audition and to inquire if he had booked the job (he was one of the guys they consistently called back into the room). I typed my cell phone number under my name, and within five minutes he called me. We had a very engaging, light-hearted conversation and tried to figure out when we could get together. We eventually settled on the following Wednesday after work.

The date was incredible. We met at the W Hotel, where we had drinks. We spent four hours together. We interacted physically (he even kissed me a few times—on the lips), talked about so much, and when we left the hotel, we held hands on the trek to Grand Central Station. He accompanied me to the Shuttle, and there, gave me an amazing good-night kiss. I was one of those people that I pass and think, ‘puh-lease, get a room.’ But, it’s different when you’re the one being kissed, right? Talk about walking on air…this guy was a dream-maker!

He called the next morning, and unfortunately, I was away from my desk, getting ready to head out to an audition. I retrieved the message and e-mailed him quickly before I left to let him know I had received his message and would call him later in the day. I returned his call around 4:30 that afternoon, which was my first opportunity to do so and left a voicemail message. After that he went AWOL for the weekend.

I knew he was supposed to be spending some time with his daughter, but you’d think he could take five minutes to call and say hi. I was a bit confused. I know I wasn’t imagining the chemistry between us, nor was I imagining a connection. So what had happened? Who the
%#$^ knows!

I did hear from him Monday, we had an e-mail exchange (uh-oh he’s reverted to e-mail), which was rather fun and flirty, wrote about getting together on a non-school night, and when I said I had plans Saturday but Friday was open, I didn’t hear from him again until Friday, at which point he had the audacity to e-mail me (there’s the e-mailing again – can’t he pick up the phone?) to let me know he had a doctor’s appointment in West Chester that he’d forgotten about, so he wouldn’t be in the city later. Like he thought I’d still be available to see him even if he had been in the city? I was astounded by his inconsideration of waiting until Friday to contact me as well as by his lack of nerve for sending an e-mail message in lieu of a phone call, so I didn’t respond…until Monday.

I know, you’re probably thinking: for someone who is trying not to put too much thought into this, she is putting a great deal of thought into it. Well, you’re right. But I am processing this so that I can really scrutinize his actions—and share these with my girl and guy friends—so that women can recognize inappropriate actions in their so-called relationships, and men can see the type of behavior that they should avoid if they don’t want to be thought of as jerks.

Fast forward to Monday…we had another e-mail exchange but still no mention of getting together again. I was only working that day, and leaving for Indiana for a week on Tuesday. After his 3rd e-mail response, I didn’t respond. I left for Indiana and didn’t check e-mail again until a week later. When I did check e-mail, there was a message from him dated March 6 and at the end of it he writes: we should go out again and have some fun.

Okay, I think, I’ll give him a chance to redeem himself. I e-mailed him back and wrote: call me if you want to go out. To his credit, the next day he actually picked up the phone. We spoke, and again, it was a crazy week for him: a commercial shoot later that day, a daughter commitment Wednesday, and a print shoot another day. I attended a Manà concert with Beckie at Madison Square Garden on Thursday, and Friday, as of 2:37PM, I had not heard from him. I had already set plans on Wednesday with my friend Karen Culp for Friday night, deciding that I wasn’t going to hold my schedule open for a guy I barely knew, and who obviously didn’t give a damn about my time.

It’s infuriating. And there are even more tales of other men’s inconsistent, idiotic, and immature behavior that I could share, but I’ll spare the reader those details. I hate sounding like a shrew, and I want to maintain a positive attitude about men, but I consistently meet guys who are flakes, and what does that say about me? I thought this was the perfect guy for me. He seemed emotionally available, open, funny, intelligent, attractive, and family-oriented. He was a business person with a creative edge.

I recently read two books that have really lit a fire under me when it comes to how I want to be treated by men. Those two books are He’s Just not That Into You by Greg Berhandt and Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov (In Ms. Argov's book bitches are not mean, nasty, nagging women, but rather women with confidence and dignity who will not accept bad behavior from men, and when a man does behave inappropriately she lets him know in a kind, subtle, yet effective way that he has crossed the line.)

To my credit, much of what is discussed in these books is pretty much how I am and how I think. Although, what has been helpful are the insights into men’s behavior that essentially pares it all down to the fact that if a guy is behaving badly (not calling, taking you for granted, not dating you, not sleeping with you, etc…) he’s just not that into you, so don’t waste your precious time on this dude, move on. This simplicity is really quite liberating. As much as I might like this man and wish it could have been different, the truth is if this is how he is treating me before we’ve even started dating, how will he treat me in the future? And of course, I won’t let him get away with this conduct for long. So, I am not going to contact him. If he does contact me from this point on, I’m basically going to let him know that his behavior is unacceptable to me. And I expect to be treated with respect, I don’t care how busy he is or how many daughter commitments he has (and I’m a very kid-friendly gal).

If he wants to have any kind of relationship with me, he’ll need to modify and improve his communication skills. However, it is apparent to me that he is just not that into me, and so, I’m releasing him; no contact. This is where the lessons from my cancer come to aid me—if I allow them to. When I think back on the entire experience, I found renewed respect for myself and value and appreciation for my mind and body. I beat cancer; I am an amazing woman and any man would be damn lucky to have me. But, he has to deserve me – that’s the key.

I’ve spent too much time thinking about this guy, and I hate that. I’m supposed to be the independent woman who doesn’t need a man. Well, I don’t need one, but I’d kind of like to have one. However, self-respect and being treated well is important to me. I deserve someone who can’t stop thinking about me, who wants to be with me, who wants to see me, and who will take the time to contact me—even if only for a minute to say hi and we’ll touch base in a day or two about making plans. As my brother-in-law Dan told me: When Barbara and I started dating, we went out on our first date and then saw each other for thirteen nights straight before she left for Frankfort for a year. He’s right. That’s what it should look like.

I intend to feel balanced while in the throes of the excitement of a new romance, but perhaps that is impossible. Still, I know it should not be an emotional rollercoaster of delight and despair, especially at the beginning, when it should be effortless and uncomplicated. I intend to live a balanced emotional life, but it takes consistent, diligent work.

Breathing is one good way for me to center myself, bring myself back to the present moment in order to appreciate and celebrate what I have. Right now I have a job at the National Football League, working with some very good, intelligent, and interesting people, and these people respect my work, I have a lovely apartment that is relatively affordable, my parents, sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces and nephews brighten my life like no others, I have some of the best friends in the world, I am healthy, I am working toward creative goals, and I am able to walk around this city, being pelted by the snow and sleet falling from the sky right now. Experiencing life, the moments, focusing on the positive, not the negative, is what I must continue to do. That’s what we all need to do to maintain equanimity in a world that sometimes, actually more often than we’d like, throws curve balls that knock us off balance.

There was one positive aspect of meeting this man which was that I discovered that I was still capable of being truly excited about a guy. It’s been so long that I’d nearly forgotten that feeling, which is why I really wanted and hoped it would work out. But alas, it didn’t. However, being the eternal optimist that I am, I remain hopeful that I will meet the right guy, but for now, I am going to enjoy my afternoon here at the NFL (yes, I’m writing this at my desk, but I haven’t any work to do at the moment) and then meet Karen Culp for a couple of drinks later. I truly enjoy a night out with a good friend. At least for now, I have my girlfriends, and they, I can depend on. I’m breathing…

Using Setbacks to Grow

The last time I wrote an entry was in January. At that time I promised to update this blog more often. Obviously, that didn’t happen. I’ve been so busy, life has been very full, many opportunities have presented themselves, and thus, the year has flown by.

I have been working with a talent manager since April, and recently, have been getting holds and call backs and booked my first principal, non-speaking role in a commercial. A casting director has also taken me under her wing, giving me feedback on auditions when I have them at her agency. I enrolled in a couple of her commercial technique classes, and after these classes is when I started receiving callbacks, holds, and the commercial booking. Both of these people have been a huge help to me this year, and I am eternally grateful—they took a chance on me when few others would.

I also finished my book Rebirth: A Leukemia Journal. A little over two months after meeting with Carolyn French at Fifi Oscard, I finally completed the book proposal that she had requested. I mailed it November 28th. My acting teacher had referred me to her, so it was nice to have this “in.” However, this past Saturday, December 9, I got on-line at home and saw a message from Carolyn’s assistant. I knew it was bad news, and it was. Here is the message:

Dear Deborah,I'm afraid we have some unfortunate news that means we will be unable to take on your book. Since we met with you, a client has submitted a revision of a book whose subject material conflicts with yours. Because we must honor our commitment to previously signed clients before taking on new ones, we must pass on REBIRTH.We're very sorry and wish you the best with finding an agent to represent this heart-wrenching piece of work.Best,Nancy BeardAssistant to Carolyn French

I am a bit perplexed by this because when I met with Carolyn she gave no indication that any client of hers was writing a book similar to mine. In fact, she made a point of telling me that she didn’t place these types of books and would have to do some research. I also received my returned book proposal on Saturday; it was returned to me unread, or so it appeared. It looked as though nothing in the folder had been touched. It was returned to me in less than two weeks time, so there is no way it could have been read, with the volume of proposals they receive. All of this is very disappointing.

Still, I want to use this setback as a means of growth. One positive from it is that I have learned how to write and have written a book proposal, and I think it’s a darn good one. Another positive is that I had considered self-publishing the book while Carolyn was looking for a publisher (if, in fact, she decided it was a work worth backing). Now I can go ahead and self-publish it, without anyone’s approval, and get it out there to help the people who need it, rather than waiting six months or longer to see if a mainstream publisher picks it up. I now have control over it again. So, even though the quick rejection was/is disappointing, I am trying to focus on what I learned from the experience and how it can be a positive force for moving the book forward. Obviously, Fifi Oscard is not the agency with whom I should be working.

In the meantime, Dr. Goldberg, my oncologist, is writing a foreword to the book and reviewing it for any medical inaccuracies. What a lovely man to do this for me! So, now I will decide which self-publishing company to use, cut the manuscript again—try to get it to 300 pages (it was previously cut from 489 to 400 pages), make any revisions Dr. Goldberg deems necessary, and then, hopefully, self-publish it in February.

I refuse to let setbacks get me down. Commercial auditions I had last week that looked promising, did not pan out for me. Ah, well, that is life. I will continue to work toward my goals, and trust that I am doing what I am doing because God has instilled a passion and talent in me for these goals, and I refuse to let that passion and talent go to waste. I have seen the fruits of my labor this year and I will continue to see it. My goals may not transpire on my desired schedule, but I have faith that they will happen.

In the meantime, I have another writing project in the works: contributing to a feminist anthology that my friend, Adele, is working on. My essay is titled: The Accidental Feminist. There will always be that taking three steps forward and two steps back, but I’ll be darned if I allow those two steps back to hinder me. I am thankful that I was wise enough to look for the gifts that my having had leukemia presented. The disease made me re-evaluate much of my life and how I approach obstacles. I’ve always been an optimist and I suppose I always will be. I did allow myself to cry for about fifteen minutes on Saturday after I received the returned book proposal (that appeared to be unread). Then a song crept into my mind and I found myself singing the words: “nothing's impossible I have found, for when my chin is on the ground, I pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.” (Pick Yourself Up, lyrics by Natalie Cole)

It's been a long time since I last wrote. It is now January 2006, and I feel the need to post an update on my progress.

I am currently working a long-term temporary assignment at the NFL in Manhattan. I commute four hours a day. I've been doing this weekdays since June 27, 2005. I enjoy working at the NFL, the people are very nice, and the environment, though corporate, is a creative one. I work in the Corporate Development office, which has its hands in most of the other departments at the NFL, and so I get to meet many people.

I have been working on my book and it is progressing nicely. The manuscript is written and all the research is currently being incorporated into it. Once that is done, I will make one last read-through to make final revisions (I've made numerous revisions to date but find that the manuscript can always be improved upon).

The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, for whom I've been doing volunteer work, has asked me to be the Honored Teammate for the Northern New Jersey chapter's spring Team in Training (TNT). Participants train to run or walk a marathon, cycle 100 miles, or complete a triathlon. Team in Training is the signature fundraising program for the LLS. My job is to keep the participants motivated as they compete in my honor. I am thrilled to have this opportunity.

Other ways I've been working with the LLS are as a First Connection Volunteer and as part of the Advocacy Network. I plan to extend my volunteer work, as time permits, once I've moved into my own place, closer to the city and shorten my commute time.

Yes, it's time to move on. I've remained at Barbara and Dan's home far too long, but it is expensive in this area of the country, so I'm trying to make sure my financial house is somewhat in order before venturing out on my own again. I do have to be out of their home by May because Barbara will be giving birth to a baby girl around that time.

And don't think that I have given up my dream of making a living as an actress because I haven't. It has only been put on hold while I get myself organized. Before jumping back into acting, I'd like to complete my book. However, I've definitely been making plans for my return to pursuing my dream. I did do one day of background work on the CBS series, LOVE MONKEY, in November. They've called me three additional times to do background work, and unfortunately, I had to turn them down.

Anyway, right now life is good. My last doctor's visit was January 6th and all my blood counts looked great. My next visit isn't until March 31st. It's hard to believe sometimes that it has been over two years since my diagnosis; time has passed quickly. However, it is all still very clear in my mind. I hope that once I have completed my book, I can let it go and move on to helping others. I'll never forget the experience, but I don't want it to define me—except as a survivor!

March 22 , 2005
April 1st will mark 10 months since my bone marrow transplant. The event seems so far away and yet it also seems like it happened yesterday. I remember it all so vividly.

I am currently working on my book and have started temping. I worked four days over the past week at the National Football League corporate offices located on Park Avenue in Manhattan. It's a wonderful group of people with whom I work. Working at the NFL must be a dream come true for the guys employed there and probably for some of the women, too (I don't want to be sexist ;-) I've even enjoyed the two-hour commute....

I'm feeling good although I still seem to tire easily and have some generalized pain throughout my body, but nothing specific or of lengthy duration to complain about. Medications are still taken on a daily basis, doctor appointments are once a month, and there is still some tingling in my toes (which is most likely permanent because the chemo can damage nerve endings and they rarely repair completely). Overall I am doing well and am confident that I will continue to improve.

June 1st is my first re-birthday and at that point another bone marrow aspiration will be performed and the cells analyzed. The first set of vaccinations will be administered, as well. The transplant most likely wiped out any immunizations I previously had, so I must be vaccinated again—baby shots. The remaining vaccinations will be administered at year two.

There are so many plans that I am making, and I will share more as they start coming to fruition, or at least appear to be. Getting back to life feels really good. I will try to keep this blog updated in a more timely fashion from now on.

My sister, Karen, is expecting her first child, a little girl, the beginning of April. I'm looking forward to being an aunt again. My friend, Lori, is getting married on my birthday and so I am planning a trip to Cincinnati for her big day, and then stay a week with Karen, Jeff, and the baby.

Aidan and Andrew are my little darlings, and they make me smile all the time, which has to be good for my immune system. I have treasured the time I've been able to spend with them—it will be very difficult when I move out because I will miss them terribly.

Here's to living and loving life!