Writing to Heal - Part I

“Writing to heal” is a phrase and title of books, articles, and workshops I see repeatedly in my research about the health benefits of writing. I have personally experienced those healing benefits—emotional, spiritual, and physical—throughout my years of journaling, but especially during my cancer treatments from December 2003 through December 2004. (Five years later, my journal of that time became my book, Rebirth.)

When diagnosed with leukemia on December 18, 2003, I knew that my journaling would be an essential weapon in my healing arsenal. I used it to record all my medical information so that I could refer back to my notes should I have any questions or concerns; to assess the pros and cons of different treatment protocols; and to explore my emotions, which spanned the spectrum of fear, sadness, anger, joy, and hope. I wrote about dreams and goals and strategized plans for the future. I detailed my experiments using self-healing techniques such as guided imagery, affirmations, meditation, and prayer.

However, the greatest benefit came from mustering the courage to face past hurts and resentments, some that occurred decades ago that were still negatively affecting my life, mostly unconsciously. I was given many books about how biography can become biology, how holding onto past hurts and resentments can adversely affect our health. There is much research in this area, and though I’m not convinced I caused my leukemia, as a self-professed control-freak, this was a very empowering idea because if I made myself sick, then I could make myself well.

So I set out on, what I refer to as, the archeological dig into my past; much was uncovered. The entire essay, “I’m Enough,” is in Rebirth. Following is a brief excerpt:

Three childhood memories particularly stand out as contributing to my fractured ego: my best friend rejected me after she became a cheerleader, which translated in my mind to my no longer being popular or pretty enough to be her friend; a boy commented that my nose was big (I had no self-consciousness about my nose prior to that moment); and a friend’s grandmother gave me a backhanded compliment about how attractive I was at fifteen in spite of my “having been such a homely child” (I’d been homely?). These unkind actions and comments sparked the obsession with my appearance, which only intensified as I transitioned from grade school to high school. Reading fashion magazines and watching glamorous celebrities parading around on television made me achingly aware of my physical inadequacies. I longed to be one of the beautiful people and thus began a two-decade quest for the perfect makeover.

This quest included years of exercising, not out of the joy of moving my limbs and generating health but rather, to achieve a svelte, sculpted body. I failed at many diets because it was absurd for me to be on a diet in the first place.

Writing has always been an emotionally healing exercise for me, whether I was working through a conflict with a family member or friend, mending a broken heart, mourning the loss of a coveted role, or emotionally reeling from that tragic day on September 11, 2001. Writing was my emotional life-line through leukemia treatment and recovery. I named my journaling workshop for cancer survivors Writing for Your Life because during leukemia treatments I felt I was writing for my life. Furthermore, as my interest has grown in the field of writing and healing, I’ve discovered research conducted over the past two decades that support what I have experienced myself.

James W. Pennebaker, Professor of Psychology, at the University of Texas, Austin, is widely accepted as the father of successful studies of the effects of writing on health. Some of the health benefits that he and other researchers have found include: reduction of blood pressure and stress, strengthened immune system, improvement in cognitive functioning, improvement of mood, improved lung function and liver function, decreased symptoms in asthma and arthritis, decreased pain and increased health in cancer patients, and fewer days in the hospital.

Writing is not only a tool for navigating through a physical illness, but it can help a person deal with the emotional upheaval associated with a traumatic event. For instance, in October 2010 the Military Officers Association of America (MOAA) posted on their web site an article by Stephanie Rodrigues Melson, “Writing to Overcome Trauma,” that reveals how writing and blogging* have helped servicemen and women deal with the emotional and physical stressors of combat, or of working in a war zone, and how it is a form of therapy. MilBlogging.com, one of the largest blogging sites for American servicemembers, listed 2,136 military blogs in 44 countries as of October 2010.

I am a huge proponent of writing about one’s experiences, of transforming internal energy and thoughts into external expression. The healing benefits of expressive writing will be explored during my Creative Writing Workshop at the OMG! NYC 2011 4th Annual Cancer Summit for Young Adults on April 17. There will be a presentation followed by written exercises. As an added treat, Lisa Bernhard, journalist and co-host of The Stupid Cancer Show, will stop by to share her experiences with writing and healing. For information about the conference (April 16-17), visit OMG2011.org.

*James W. Pennebaker cautions that research on the benefits of writing have not included blogging.

If interested in reading more about this topic, check out Dr. Pennebaker’s article Writing to Heal.

Stay tuned for Part II…

Joan Goble – A Small Town Teacher with Global Reach

Photo: Dec. 28, 2010 - Mom's retirement party; Me, Joan Goble, and Mom (Nancy Ludwig)


“My little school system of Cannelton, Indiana, has not only given me the opportunity to see the world, but given me the tools and the support to share the world with my students!"  ~ Joan Goble



A blond-haired woman walked into the back room of the Perry County News office in Tell City, Indiana, where my mother’s retirement party was taking place on December 28. I recognized her instantly. It was Joan Goble whom I met at my book event/signing at the public library on December 19, 2009, and have since become friends. I smiled, she smiled and when we got to each other, hugged. Joan is a fellow cancer survivor; she has chronic lymphocytic leukemia (CLL).

March is Women’s History Month, so I wanted to profile at least one (of the many) women I admire. Joan was kind enough to answer some questions for me. Reading her answers, I discovered what an amazing, inspirational woman she truly is; I had no idea. She is a teacher—a transformational teacher who has implemented ways to inspire and challenge her students with innovative projects that have led to international collaboration opportunities and travel. She is not only an example of the kind of educator U.S students deserve, but also a reminder (to legislators and superintendents across the nation) that we cannot afford to lose teachers of her caliber.

INTERVIEW
Deborah: How long have you been teaching and what made you want to go into that profession?

Joan: I have been in the teaching profession now for 32 years. I have taught at Cannelton Elementary for 30. As a child growing up I was always in awe of my teachers. I totally respected them and wanted to please them. I had great teachers throughout my school years, and they inspired me. I felt that they made a difference in my life so I wanted to make a difference too. I had debated between going into the medical field or the teaching field. As a freshman in college I made the decision to become a teacher.

D: What grade do you teach now; in the past?

J: My first real job was substitute teaching for a year, all grades. That is how I landed my job at Cannelton Elementary. I had substituted quite a bit for Cannelton and when a job opened up that summer I was offered one. It was a third grade position. I held that position for 28 years. My school system is very small. We only have one class per grade, so I was THE third grade teacher at the Cannelton School System for those 28 years. I think third grade is such an exciting grade to teach. Children of that age are just starting to really think beyond their classroom and are so eager to learn.

When our school became an "online" school in 1996, I decided to start an after school media club. I began working with older students up to sixth grade. I found that I enjoyed working with them just as much. Then, two years ago the 5th grade teacher retired, and I asked if I could replace her. I did, and I totally enjoy it.

D: You teach in a very small community, how has that impacted you as a teacher with regards to the resources the Cannelton school system has?

J: I love teaching at Cannelton. I feel that even though we are small, we have made our voices heard. We Cannelton teachers all involve our parents and community in the education of our students. As in the old saying, "It takes a village to raise a child," I think that includes the education of children as well. Cannelton is very proud of its school system and so there has always been a lot of support. I have felt that first hand many times over the 30 years I have taught here. Any time my Media Club has needed support from the community it has been there 100 %. I know that we could not have achieved what we have without that support.

D: The population of the city of Cannelton was estimated as of July 2009 to be 1,130. How many students are in the school system?

J: Cannelton Elementary has one class per grade, and the average class size is around 20. The Junior/Senior High School is the same as far as size of classes. I am not exactly sure of the whole entire school system's size, but I would say it averages around 260 to 280 students, maybe more some years. (Joan was right about the size.)

D: You have developed several programs for your students. What are they and how did you go about implementing them?

J: Our school has had many programs set up for the students to get involved in. One program that our school was involved in that helped us to make a connection with other schools not only in Indiana, but nationally and even internationally, was the state program called The Buddy System. This program, beginning in the very early 90s, allowed our school to not only become an online school, but gave every student in grades 4-6 an online computer to use. It was the beginning of networking, and we were in on the ground floor for Indiana public schools. At that time I taught third grade, which was not a part of the program, but I benefited as well due to all of the teachers getting an online computer.

Then in the summer of 1996, I went to a summer class on using the Internet in the classroom and I was hooked. The following year I decided it would be nice if our school had a Media Club, so I started it that year. We mostly connected in online projects where we could collaborate with other schools.

Our first collaboration was with a school in Australia on a research project about trees and forests. That project has led to many connections with schools around the world. Unfortunately, the Buddy Project has lost state funding and is no longer around, but it definitely gave our school system a basis for future collaborative projects.

I am mostly a project-based teacher. I love to involve my students in active learning, so anytime I can involve them in a project where they can take ownership for the process, as well as the product, I go for it. Examples include many online projects/websites. There are many that are my favorites, but I will share a few here.

One that continues to this day to give us learning opportunities, and "fame" even, is "Our Wonderful Moon Tree." It is really involved, but in short it allowed us to make connections with NASA in paying tribute to Moon Trees, living monuments to the Apollo Space Program. It was also written about in a BBC article that also aired on BBC radio in 2005. Last month, the story appeared in USA Today. It mentions our school and our involvement in initiating the search for all of the Moon Trees.

Another project that helped us to broaden our horizons beyond Cannelton, beyond Indiana and even beyond our nation's borders, was TENAN: The Endangered Animals of the World web project. I worked with Rene de Vries, a teacher from the Netherlands, to create this project. Schools from all over the world were invited to research endangered animals from their regions and send in their reports for us to publish. TENAN was active from 1998 until May 2007. We had to end it for various reasons, mainly due to our schedules becoming too busy—not enough time to devote to keeping the project active. It broke both of our hearts, but we had to. However, we have kept it online because we feel it has been and continues to be a good resource for students.

One great opportunity that was a direct result of this project was when the United Nations Environmental Program contacted us (Rene and myself), inviting us to send a delegation of our students who worked on TENAN to the UNEP Millennium Children’s Conference on the Environment in May 2000. This is also an excellent example of how the community of Cannelton, and really all of Perry County, Indiana, supported us. We were able to raise enough money to send 9 students to this conference held in Eastbourne, England. Rene was able to send 11 of his students too. Not only was it a thrill to get to see England and meet students and teachers from nearly 100 countries, we were able to meet our partners in the project for the first time. We had worked for over two years on this project and finally students from each school could meet face to face!

Because of my work in online shared learning, collaborative projects, I have been given many opportunities to share what I have done and learned with teachers in Indiana, several states in the USA, and I have also traveled and presented in London and Brighton in England, Copenhagen, Denmark, several parts of Japan including Tokyo and Asahikawa, and even traveled and presented in Tianjin, China. My little school system of Cannelton, Indiana, has not only given me the opportunity to see the world, but given me the tools and the support to share the world with my students!

D: You also volunteer and are involved in your community outside the school?

J: Yes, I have been on our Perry County Museum board since 1998, a board member of the Perry County Animal Shelter since 2008 and am currently the Secretary. For ten years I was on the board of We the Youth of Perry County. I have served on various other county committees, most recently the committee for the 50th Anniversary Memorial Service (a wonderful event) of the 1960 Plane Crash.

D: You are a cancer survivor. How did you discover you had CLL and when?

J: The cancer was a shock...totally had no idea. I had gone to the doctor because my left leg was losing some muscle mass. Several doctors looked at it and some tests were ordered, then finally a CBC (Complete Blood Count) was done to see what that might show. There was no evidence of muscle damage in the blood, but it showed a critically high white blood cell count. I was then sent to a specialist (oncologist/hematologist) who did more blood tests and diagnosed me with early stage CLL. That was in late August 2009. I am in what is called the "watch and wait" stage—no treatments at the moment. Every four months I go back to the oncologist and he does a CBC, checks my lymph nodes, and asks questions to see what symptoms I may have.

D: How has that impacted your day-to-day life?

J: I would have to say mostly it has made me take better care of myself. I am more aware of my body and try to keep myself from getting sick. It is a challenge, since I work with children every day. I try to keep my stress level as low as I can, and I use (and have my students use) hand cleanser constantly to keep colds and flu at bay. I try to enjoy each day that I am well.

D: How is your support system?

J: My support system is great. First I have my family...my husband and my two children are very supportive, and patient! At home I can have my days when I just want to whine and feel sorry for myself and not worry about the consequences. I get it out of my system and no one at work or out and about is the wiser. (Well, until now that is...ha ha!)

At work I have much support as well. I have not told my students of my illness because I feel there is no need to worry them. I also have, of course, friends like you and the online friends I have found at the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, as well as a wonderful Facebook group, CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia).

I highly recommend to anyone with any kind of illness like this to find a group online to join. There is a lot of love and support out there, and it can be so comforting and reassuring to know that you are not alone in fighting the good fight!

My Love-Hate (Mostly Hate) Relationship with Auditions

Photo: Diane in The Moonshot Tape - Ovation Theatre Company
Photo credit: Rich Sofranko

Saturday, walking to One on One studios to attend a class with a television and film casting director, for one brief moment, I felt the urge to turn around and flee, to just blow off the class, even though I had paid $125 for the 90-minute session. I had spent the week preparing the scene and felt confident about my choices, yet a feeling of dread hung over me. I am much more comfortable these days than I’ve ever been in the past when auditioning, yet there remains a slight twinge of fear—fear of completely messing up, fear of making a fool of myself, fear of not being as good as the other actors in the room.

Fear—hate it. Yet despite the fear, I forged forward. The last time I attended one of these classes, it went very well. What I like about attending class at One on One is that all the actors are talented. There isn’t an obvious gap between the beginners and the pros, mostly because the One on One staff screen actors (audition and interview are required) before allowing them to become members, then a one-time membership fee must be paid.

I arrived a few minutes early. The class size was small—eight of us. The casting director had a very warm personality and she gave us excellent feedback on our work. We each got up and performed our scene on-camera (with a reader) and then were given adjustments before doing the scene again.

These classes and meetings are ways for me to introduce myself to industry people, and since I do not have a legit agent, it behooves me to meet as many casting people as possible, especially those who are casting television series and movies because that is where my real interests lie. These sessions are also a way to stretch myself and take risks with the character choices I make.

Taking risks is scary, but it is in the very taking of those risks that we grow and discover what we are truly capable of doing. After each small victory, we become increasingly confident to attempt something even scarier. A couple examples from my life of when baby steps led to accomplishing larger goals were performing a one-hour, one-woman play and writing and singing cabaret.

The confidence to perform solo began with being cast in leading roles. There was Vera Claythorne, in Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians in 1994 followed by Rita Boyle in Prelude to a Kiss in 1995. Then came the opportunity to perform in two-person shows: the first (and one of my favorites) as Sally Talley in Talley’s Folly and then with my dear friend Lisa in Ovation Theatre Company’s (the company we founded with three other friends) inaugural production, a two-woman play titled Parallel Lives: The Kathy & Mo Show. In that show, I braved a harrowing monologue that was nearly 10-minutes long. That monologue provided me the experience of commanding the stage myself—no one else was there to save me should I forget a line or lose my train of thought.

Then in May 2001, a dream came true; a spark of creative desire ignited eight years earlier suddenly became reality: The opportunity to play my dream role, Diane in Lanford Wilson’s The Moonshot Tape, was going to happen. This one-woman, one-act dared me to own the stage for fifty-five minutes. It was the scariest yet most exhilarating challenge I’ve undertaken to date. Other challenges coming in at a close second are publishing my book, Rebirth, and performing cabaret shows.

The cabaret performances started their evolution years before the actual ones took place. I auditioned for some musicals after my first year in Cincinnati and was cast in Godspell (I sang a solo), My Fair Lady and Working (in the chorus), Annie as Grace Farrell (one solo and some duets; I wanted the role of Ms. Hannigan desperately, but that role went to Lisa, who is mentioned above) and finally Into the Woods as the Witch, the most amazing musical role I have ever worked on (bestowed upon me by, you guessed it, Lisa). That role cemented my confidence as a singer and my longing for further singing opportunities.

I’d always loved the old standards and felt drawn to the music of Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holiday, Sarah Vaughan, Rosemary Clooney, and Peggy Lee, to name a few. One evening, while my friend Robin and I were at The Cabaret, a small club located in Over-the-Rhine, just north of downtown Cincinnati, I mustered the courage to sing, while the singer booked for the evening was on break. I requested the accompanist play Linda Ronstadt’s version of Someone to Watch Over Me. I was quite nervous but made it through the song beautifully, not one weak note or crack in my voice. When I returned to my seat, a gentleman at the next table asked me if I was going to sing again. I told him no; but from that moment, I was hooked.

So over the next year, I booked a couple performances at The Cabaret, where I sang two short sets during each performance. Finally, I decided to expand to a larger venue, Upstairs at Carol’s, and with the help of some of my genius marketing friends – Karen, Nelson and Lori—drew some sizable crowds and expanded my show to include three sets of music. My last cabaret performance was in Cincinnati in 2002 with my friend Joe. I did the first set, he sang the second set, and we performed the third one together.

So with these achievements under my belt, why am I not doing those things here and now in New York City? Granted, I have been less than enthusiastic taking the initiative to make contacts and pursue jobs the way I should, lacking the intensity that I see in other actors; or developing my own projects the way I did in the past. Excuses are plentiful: “I went through cancer, then I wrote a book (and I love writing, too, so I do that on a regular basis), I am a volunteer with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society and have developed a journaling workshop for cancer survivors and caregivers. My life is extremely full. I have myriad interests, so my focus is all over the place.” Still, I long for those meaty, leading performance opportunities of yesteryear.

It's not that I haven't worked in acting since 2002 because I have. I've done stage, commercials, and independent films, but for a couple of exceptions, not at the level I had hoped to work. It’s now or never time to up my game—time to meet as many casting directors as possible, submit myself for all projects of interest, and seriously network with other actors. I'm even writing a cabaret performance for possible staging this fall.

In this insane business, I’m largely responsible for my progress, or lack thereof; I get in my own way. I must say yes to more auditions, even if I’m not overly excited about them. For example yesterday, I had an audition for a low-paying commercial. The audition was an open call, which I hate—I prefer to have a scheduled appointment. To top it off, I was submitted for the role of a person battling incontinence. (Oh how quickly one goes from being the young mom to the incontinence sufferer!)

Surprisingly, I had a blast in the audition—it was funny material and the casting director loved me. Here was a chance to meet a casting director as well as practice auditioning and making interesting choices with the copy. Each experience should be about learning something useful for future auditions, expanding what I am capable of doing, and building confidence. The casting session I approached with a negative attitude, ended up being quite a wonderful experience; just like on Saturday when I was feeling less than enthusiastic about my class, yet it was great. I even received a response from her after I sent her an email thank you on Monday. That has never happened.

Maybe things are looking up. Regardless, I’m trying to adjust my attitude and see every audition as a chance to perform because then maybe I won’t hate them so much. I’ll keep putting myself out there, taking chances, even at the risk of falling flat on my face. No risk, no reward—that’s what I’ve consistently discovered over the past fifteen years. My love-hate relationship with auditions will not end immediately, but I hope soon to feel more love for them than hate.

What do you have a love-hate relationship with? What is holding you back in achieving your goals?

Thank you, Sylvia Plath

The third Writing for Your Life workshop for cancer survivors concluded Monday evening. This one posed some challenges as we canceled once due to inclement weather and another time due to a death in my family. The group was smaller than usual though it was supposed to be the largest to date. I even gave a one-on-one session the evening of January 24, so the usual group dynamic was lacking. I felt bad for the participants because they missed out on the camaraderie and support inherent in a larger group. Still, I believe what I had to share was of value—and healing.

Writing has been an essential tool for healing my emotional and spiritual wounds ever since I commenced journaling in 1992. For nearly two decades my journals have been constant companions, seeing me through romantic vicissitudes, career struggles, moves to various cities, extraordinary achievements, moments of deep sorrow and conflict, and my leukemia treatment and recovery period, to name a few.

In 1992, during my years at Indiana University studying theatre, I was cast in the role of Aurelia Schober Plath in the play Letters Home. (At age 26, I was cast as a 67-year-old woman* – only in a college environment or community theater would that happen.) The play was adapted from the book Letters Home, a compilation of poet Sylvia Plath’s letters to her mother (Aurelia) from the time she left for Smith College in 1952 until she committed suicide in 1963. This full-length play was the first time I performed a two-person show. I had minimal onstage experience but was determined to prove I was more than capable of tackling the role.

Thrilled to be cast, I enthusiastically dove into my research, reading the book, Letters Home, in its entirety and hungry for information, devouring any other resource materials I could get my hands on. One day in the book store I discovered The Journals of Sylvia Plath, a small paperback that cost $6.95. This inexpensive gem further illuminated Sylvia’s life and the relationship with her mother.

I was mesmerized by Sylvia’s prose and the way she utilized language to describe and convey every nuance of her surroundings and people, her torment trying to compose the perfect poem, her fragile emotional states (they were many) when rejected by publishers or lovers, her distress when anyone criticized her work, her vacillation between bliss and despair during romantic affairs, especially her desire for fellow poet, Ted Hughes, whom she eventually married. She adored him, but a few years later, they separated. The discovery of Sylvia’s rich, intense inner life and how she recorded it all in elaborate detail intrigued me, so I decided to begin my own writing journey.

A few days later, I purchased my first journal and used it to jot down thoughts and ideas I had for creating the role of Aurelia. The picture on the cover of that journal was Georges Seurat’s pointillist masterpiece Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. Having an almost-minor in art history, I knew this painting well and thought it was gorgeous, so I scooped up the journal and paid for it. A white ribbon marker was attached to it, which would later prove to be an accomplice in the slow unraveling of a five-year relationship. (Darn those page markers, but that’s another story.)

I share an excerpt from that first entry here:

June 9, 1992 (Tuesday) - Since I have been studying Sylvia Plath’s life—reading her letters, poetry, and journals—the desire to record my feelings and the events in my life has intensified. The way she expresses herself and the eloquent language she uses, composing impeccably structured sentences and possessing an extensive vocabulary sparks a bit of jealousy in me, for I’ve always thought writing a story, play, or a novel would be so gratifying.

Doing this play has me totally consumed with knowing Sylvia, even though I play her mother, Aurelia. But what better way to portray a mother than by knowing her daughter intimately? Sylvia’s life (as well as Aurelia’s) was fascinating, and I feel extremely fortunate to have this opportunity. Tomorrow I start memorizing Act II.

Throughout the years, I have used my journal in various ways:

• To record events in my life—the good and the bad;
• To set goals and strategize ways to achieve them;
• To deal with and work through challenges and issues; it has been an excellent problem-solving tool;
• For exploring my emotional life; clarifying thoughts and feelings;
• To brainstorm creative ideas, whether for acting, directing, singing or writing—or whatever;
• To record inspirational quotes and passages and write about why these touched me or resonated with me;
• To preserve letters (copies) that I wrote or that I received (originals);
• To record news events that would provide historical context for posterity’s sake.

These are only a few examples of how I use my journals. I have completed twenty-one journals to date, and all of them have proved to be effective tools for self-discovery and providing insight. They are a place where I can pour my thoughts out onto the page when I feel unable to talk to anyone about what it is I’m feeling or going through, especially late at night when I refuse to impose on anyone. The journal is my friend—an accepting, nonjudgmental companion.

As I prepare for upcoming journaling workshops, I plan to include posts in The Feisty Liberal about the healing benefits of journaling or expressive writing, types of journaling, tips for journaling, resistance and blocks to writing, and writing prompts and resources for anyone interested in starting or expanding their own writing journey.

I owe a huge thank you to Sylvia Plath. Her creativity, zest for life, and passion for the written word as well as how she honestly and fearlessly confronted raw emotions are what inspired me to start a journal and to continue journaling throughout the years.

If you keep a journal, who or what inspired you to start? When? Where? I’d like to know.

* I am unable to verify Aurelia's age in the play, but this is the number that sticks in my mind.

Death of a Loved-One Sparks Introspection and Wonder

My Uncle Al, 77, passed away on January 26 after two months of fighting side effects from a “uniquely effective, but uniquely toxic” medication, Amiodarone. Amiodarone is an antiarrhythmic medication that affects the rhythm of heartbeats. He was hospitalized for weeks (including over the Christmas holiday) then transferred to rehab as his health seemed to improve, but eventually found himself back in the hospital sicker than before. In the end, his quickly deteriorating condition, aggravated by internal bleeding in his lungs, was more than his body and spirit could bear.

Once notified of his passing, I started discussing travel arrangements with my sister Barbara who lives in New Jersey, too, and we booked flights for last Saturday from Newark International to Dayton, Ohio. Barbara secured a rental car at Dayton International and she, her four-year-old-daughter, Alexa, and I drove to Cincinnati to stay with our other sister, Karen, and her family. Mom and Dad arrived the next day, so Karen had a full house (she had insisted we all stay at her home).

We drove to Centerville together on Sunday afternoon to attend the visitation. A look of pleasant surprise lit up my cousin Tracy’s face the moment we walked in the room. He, his brother, Mike, and their mother, Aunt Addie, had no idea that Barbara and I would be flying in from New Jersey. I wasn’t sure I would be able to go due to the price of flights as well as possible inclement weather, but both the transportation and weather gods pulled it off without a hitch.

Both days, Sunday for the visitation at the funeral home, and Monday for the funeral at the church and the military internment at Dayton National Cemetery was quite emotional, especially moments when I witnessed my aunt and my cousins and their families shedding tears. Uncle Al was a gentle and compassionate man. I can’t recall him ever raising his voice. Growing up, all the cousins on my dad’s side of the family were very close. Each Easter when Grandma Lucy was still alive, we would gather together for an early dinner and afterwards play a game of kickball or softball; later, my dad would get out his guitar and all us kids would sing along while he played.

This past weekend further reinforced how extremely blessed I am, not only to have my immediate family, but also my extended one. What an amazing group of people. All this made me think of the complete randomness of my even being on this planet at this exact point in time; it sparked many thoughts about evolution.

How the Earth Was Made is one of my favorite History Channel shows – I bought the two- hour DVD a couple years ago, I liked it so much. 4.5 billion years is the generally agreed-upon age of the Earth by the scientific community. This is what they refer to as “deep time.” As I watched it last week (the History Channel aired it again), I started contemplating the concept of time, especially how it only exists once we arrive on this planet, or rather, once we are conscious of it. Think about the billions of years that have transpired before those of us currently living on this planet arrived. It’s awe-inspiring.

I know that my wonderful life is in large part due to the time when and the place where I was born, as well as to the parents who created me. I was born in 1966, a white female, in a small town in the Midwestern United States, to loving parents who struggled day after day to make sure their children had a better life than they did. I hit the jackpot in life compared to so many others in this world.

What if I had been born in a place where hunger and disease are part of one's daily existence or in a country where women are property and honor killings are par for the course if they do anything to bring shame on their families – even if they are the victim of rape? How different my life would be. The trajectory of our lives is largely, though definitely not completely, determined by the circumstances in which we start out.

Life and death are inextricably linked. Once we are born, the only guarantee is that someday we will die. What we do between birth and death is what counts, regardless of our circumstances; yet, we can always offer compassion to those who are less fortunate than us. One of Uncle Al’s virtues was a kind, compassionate heart.

The silver lining of attending a funeral is that you get to reconnect with family. It’s a mournful occasion, yet a celebration of the deceased’s life. We will miss Uncle Al, but the memory of his smile and the positive way he touched all our lives will endure. I am a better person for knowing him. Rest in peace, Uncle Al.

Rally for Girls' Sports!

The National Women’s Law Center is rallying today to support girls’ athletics. They asked bloggers to write about their involvement in sports and how it positively affected their lives. The question they asked: What did you win by playing sports? The following is an excerpt from The Accidental Feminist, an essay I wrote that was to be included in a friend’s anthology about feminism. Although she abandoned the project a couple years ago, I’m glad to be able to share a portion of my essay in this post.

What did I win by playing sports?
My journey starts with Title IX. Title IX of the Educational Amendments of 1972 states: No person in the U.S. shall, on the basis of sex be excluded from participation in, or denied the benefits of, or be subjected to discrimination under any educational program or activity receiving federal aid. Athletics has created the most controversy regarding Title IX, but its gains in education and academics are notable, as more and more women are receiving post-graduate and professional degrees. Before Title IX, many schools refused to admit women or enforced strict limits.

I was six years old when Title IX became law. I had no idea that it even existed until I was in college; or that it was largely due to this that I was able to be a junior high and high school athlete; or that I was allowed the same opportunities to participate in athletics as the boys in my school. I’m not even sure I was aware that sports participation for girls in schools had been an issue at the time. What I did know was that I loved competing. And until I reached the age of ten, I could beat almost every boy in my class in sprints. That did change some once I was in high school, yet I managed to claim the girl’s track MVP title all four years. My sisters excelled in athletics, too. In fact, I recall my father telling me at one time that the high school football coach told him that he wished we three girls were boys.

Title IX paved the way for young girls to actively participate in organized sports, which I believe builds strength, confidence, and an eagerness to engage in competition, not shy away from it. We compete every day, in one way or another. Sometimes we win and sometimes we lose, but I believe this about competition: When you lose, you pick yourself up and try again. This attitude has helped me to overcome obstacles and persevere in the face of tragedy. I face rejection constantly as an actress, but I have developed a thick skin (though admittedly, not as thick as I’d like). I know that if I attend enough auditions, I’m going to book jobs, so I keep doing it. I am a cancer survivor, and I wholeheartedly believe my competitive (or perhaps my fighting) spirit and the refusal to give up helped me regain my health.

The opportunity to compete empowers you to believe you can meet the goals you set. Because I was able to compete with members of the opposite sex at a young age, and then able to compete like them in the sports arena, I always felt women were as valuable as men. I was as competent, as smart, and as capable of accomplishing and doing anything they could. And so, my first foray into actively pursuing equal opportunities, where I saw girls blatantly excluded, occurred during my eighth grade year at St. Paul’s Catholic Grade School in Tell City, Indiana.

St. Paul’s housed grades K–8. Part of that Catholic education included attending Mass once a week during the school day. At that time, all the acolytes were boys. When I was in eighth grade, my friend Mariah and I decided that we wanted the opportunity to be altar servers, so we asked Father David Coats if we could do this. We felt that it was unfair that the boys could participate in the service this way and we couldn’t. Father Coats, being well ahead of his time, agreed that we should be able to serve. His decision caused quite the uproar.

The boys in our class were terribly upset that we would dare infiltrate their male domain, so much so that they called a meeting about it, which Mariah and I attended. In the end, we were allowed to serve. Mariah and I were the first girl servers at our church. After that, several other girls decided they wanted to try it, too. I only served once or twice, and that was during the school week, not during weekend Mass, but we’d made our point, and we were satisfied. Today, I’m encouraged because wherever I attend Mass, I often see girl servers, which perhaps will be an impetus for change (hopefully sooner rather than later) in the Catholic Church regarding women’s ordainment as priests. But that discussion is for a different essay.

Title IX allowed me to discover my potential, not just as an athlete, but also as a human being. Participating and excelling in athletics prepared me for dealing with and conquering life’s challenges and gave me the confidence to live life on my terms and to follow some of my dreams, no matter how unrealistic they may seem to others or how scary they may be to me.

Ladies, how has participation in athletics positively impacted your life?

Get Swabbed!

 “Get swabbed!” was the directive printed on all the promotional materials for the DKMS and Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) bone marrow donor drive held today (September 25) at Beth Israel Medical Center in Manhattan.  I knew I wanted to volunteer to work this event the moment I received the email inquiry for volunteers from the LLS. As a blood cancer survivor who was lucky enough to have had a sibling bone marrow donor, I am acutely aware of the patients who are not so fortunate.

I was one of the volunteers situated at the information tables—the first area where potential donors stopped before being tested. Our job was to make sure they were not already in the registry, that they met certain criteria, and that they understood both methods for donating bone marrow: the peripheral blood stem cell (PBSC) draw (approximately 70-80% of collections are performed this way) and the bone marrow extraction (approximately 20-30% of collections are performed this way).

We also had to inform them that they would be on the registry until age 61 and that they are donating to any searching patient who matches their tissue type. After visiting our table, they proceeded to registration and testing. Testing involved swabbing the inside of both their cheeks with cotton-tipped swabs. These swabs will be sent to a lab for HLA testing and entered into the Be The Match Registry (operated by the National Marrow Donor Program (NMDP)). Donor data is entered in anonymous form and all information is confidential.

Per the NMDP, only 3 out of every 10 patients will receive a transplant that could save their lives. I was so inspired by those who showed up today, and especially pleased at the number of black and Hispanic people who were there, because it is these populations that are sorely underrepresented in the registry.

I encourage all of you to get swabbed; be a bone marrow donor.  This afternoon, a young woman who works for DKMS said, “Imagine if everyone in this country were in the registry.” Yes, imagine! If I could, I would be in the registry, but I’ve had cancer, so I cannot; though that is not true for all cancers, as there are exceptions: cervical, breast, and bladder (stage o) and cured skin cancer.

If interested in becoming a bone marrow donor, or if you want to help in some way, here are some ideas per the DKMS brochure:

1. Sign up to be a bone marrow donor online
2. Donate $65.00 to sponsor a donor (I did this today) – DKMS is a National Donor Center. DKMS does not charge the $65.00 registration fee, so they rely on the generosity of supporters – every dollar counts!
3. Organize a bone marrow drive in your community, at your office or school
4. Encourage family members and friends to register with DKMS (I’m doing this right now – hint, hint)
5. Help DKMS raise funds by holding an event, raffle, etc. in your community

Those who know me, and are familiar with my history, understand how much the work of DKMS, Be The Match, the LLS and other cancer organizations means to me. Again, I encourage you to consider becoming a bone marrow donor. You never know whose life you may save, and to them, your generosity and courage will mean the world; you will be their hero. I guarantee it! 

Writing For Your Life: Journal Writing Workshop for Cancer Survivors

The next Writing for Your Life workshop is scheduled!

Dates: 5 Sessions EVERY Tuesday evening
• May 4
• May 11
• May 18
• May 25
• June 1

Time: 6:30 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.

Location: The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
475 Park Avenue South, 8th Floor
New York, NY 10016

The Goal of Writing for Your Life
To use writing as a means to empower the cancer patient during diagnosis, treatment, and recovery by:
1.) Coming to terms with your illness
2.) Exploring your emotional life and any difficult issues with which you may be struggling
3.) Formulating ideas for living fully in the present, while fighting cancer
4.) Devising strategies that will aid in the healing of mind, body, and spirit
5.) Clarifying and outlining your hopes for the future
 
Caregivers are welcome to attend, as well.
 
To register please contact:
Maria Feeney at 212-376-4770 or maria.feeney@lls.org

Becoming Conscious

NOTE: Much of what I address in this blog is from Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of NOW  (Excellent book about this topic; I highly recommend it.)

This post is written for my Writing for Your Life workshop participants because there is a huge snowstorm today (a blizzard warning, in fact), so we canceled tonight’s session. (However, I hope anyone who reads it enjoys it and learns something.) For the workshop, I prepared a discussion about living more fully in the present. Carol, Iesha, Joel, Laura, and Becki, I want you to know that in preparing for this workshop over the past two weeks, I have been motivated to once again begin meditating regularly and to refocus on being aware of my behaviors and reactions. I thank you for this motivation. 

Awareness is the Key to Living in the Present

It was the usual morning stampede through the subway to get to work. Hoards of seemingly unhappy individuals were making their way up and down the stairs and escalators, bumping into each other. As I stepped off the last escalator and into the 42nd Street corridor of Grand Central station, a large man stepped on the back of my heel causing my shoe to come off and me to stumble. He didn’t acknowledge me, he just kept going; not one word of “Excuse me” or “I’m sorry.” ‘Really?’ I thought, ‘how rude.’

I continued walking through Grand Central to the underground corridor that leads me to 48th Street, right where my office is located. The sad part is that during most of that walk, I spent it raging internally at this man for his rude and careless behavior. An intense monologue, sometimes even a dialogue with him, was being created as to how I would berate him. Finally, I took a deep breath and realized what I was doing; I became conscious of my harmful thoughts, thoughts that could only hurt me. I would never see this person again, so all I was doing was allowing his bad behavior to affect the quality of my life and disturb my emotional equanimity. I was giving another person power over how I felt and thus, removing myself from the present moment and dealing with a past action that truly had no bearing on anything in my life. So, I let it go.

Awareness is probably the most important element to being in the NOW or living fully in the present moment. In The Power of NOW, Eckhart Tolle writes that if you are experiencing anxiety, worry and unease, there is too much future focus; if you are experiencing guilt, bitterness and resentment, there is too much past focus. By focusing on the present, we can alleviate many of these harmful emotions. We can cope with the present, but we cannot cope with the future because it is illusory; it is only in our minds. Another way of avoiding the NOW is the barrage of thoughts the mind creates on a daily basis.

Most people have relentless chatter running through their minds; they never stop thinking. These thoughts are mostly about what they imagine will happen in the future or about past events and situations. The ego has a lot to do with this. It demands our attention; it identifies with external things like possessions, careers, social status, physical appearance, relationships, belief systems, religious, political and racial identifications, etc. And because it identifies with these things, it constantly needs to be "fed and defended."

These externalities are not you; they are your life situation. The ego can never get enough, so it continually demands more. This is why when you reach a certain income level, or get a promotion, or get that new car, you are happy for a brief time, but then the ego wants something more – the next big thing. This is also true of peoples’ problems. Some people are so attached to their problems, even their illnesses, that it becomes who they are. They may not like their situation, but they are comfortable with it; it is familiar. And the ego hates change.

Tolle says that: “once you are aware of this dysfunction, you can step out of it, you become present; and when present, you can allow the mind to be as it “is” and not get entangled in it.” This will allow you to function more effectively and calmly, with less drama in your life. To overcome the ego, he suggests that the next time you find yourself getting defensive about something to ask yourself: What is it that I’m defending?

He further gives some examples of how we avoid the NOW:

1.       Complaining – complaining is non-acceptance of what “is.” Once you can accept a situation, you can deal more effectively with it. Acceptance does not mean you agree with it or like it, just that you accept what it “is.” Once you have accepted the situation you have three choices: remove yourself from it, change it, or accept it. Then accept the consequences.   
2.       Are you waiting to start living? Are you postponing something until you get that raise, the kids are in college, you buy that new home, you take that next trip, or you get married? If so, you are missing the present moment. Tolle suggests in this situation to switch your thinking to: what are you grateful for NOW in your current life situation and experiences? The NOW is where prosperity lies.
3.       Negativity – any kind of negativity is resistance to the now. And while there is negativity, use it to your advantage—as an opportunity to become more aware. Notice negativity in your life; don’t let it overtake your thoughts and emotions. You have control over this.

Lastly (and I think this is one of Tolle’s best suggestions), when you find yourself in an unpleasant situation, focus not on the 100 things you will or may have to do at some point in the future, but rather on the one thing you can do now. By doing this, you bring yourself into the present and you avoid being overwhelmed by so many tasks that may lead to inaction.

When I was going through cancer treatments, I read many books on being present, meditation, gratitude, and all of it was beneficial to me. In fact, at that time, I was more centered, calm and content than I ever was before or have been since. Much loss of that centeredness is definitely due to being out in the world interacting with others, not sequestered as I was during my illness; yet a good deal of it is due to the fact that as the leukemia experience recedes further into the past, I have gotten away from the meditation and awareness exercises that I regularly practiced during that time. I am now trying to reconnect with those practices.

I warn all who have the courage to start an “awareness regimen” that it is tiring. You will discover how often you react negatively to situations or engage in behaviors that aren’t so nice, but it will help you to change those behaviors and will definitely make you more conscious of the present moment. I discovered the benefits of it years ago. And while I am not as aware as I was in 2004 and 2005, I am much more aware, or conscious, than I was prior to cancer. To me, awareness is the most important way to become more present in your life and enjoy it more.

The NOW is all we have. The past is gone; the future has not arrived. No one is guaranteed tomorrow, so live for NOW.

(If interested in reading more about my exploration of "living in the present", see the May 3, 2004 entry.)

Writing for Your Life

A Journal Writing Workshop for Cancer Survivors


I am a huge proponent of journal writing; I’ve been doing it since 1992. So when I was diagnosed with leukemia in December 2003, I knew my journal would be my constant companion. I recorded information and daily events, processed my emotions, and explored my past, in particular, how holding on to old hurts and resentments may have contributed to my illness.

After four rounds of high-dose chemotherapy and a bone marrow transplant, I was on the road to recovery. In January 2008, I was unemployed for two weeks and spent much of that time revising the manuscript for my book, Rebirth: A Leukemia Survivor’s Journal of Healing during Chemotherapy, Bone Marrow Transplant, and Recovery. I had also recently become a volunteer with the New York City chapter of the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS). As I was working on my book, it hit me that perhaps I could implement a journal writing workshop for cancer patients. Journaling had been an effective tool in my healing arsenal, so, I thought why not share it with others?

Inspired, I began to jot down ideas and within a few hours had produced an outline of a program I thought could be quite effective. A couple months later, I presented a workshop proposal to Meg Harrison, Patient Services Manager, at the LLS’s NYC chapter. She thought it was a great idea, but nothing transpired from that encounter.

My belief never waivered that one day the workshop would become a reality. So later that year, I approached Renee Stein Goetz, a social worker whom I knew from my time being treated for leukemia at Hackensack University Medical Center (HUMC), to see if anyone there might be interested in a journal writing workshop. I met with Renee, and in 2009 conducted two workshops at HUMC, one with a breast cancer survivor group (in January) and the second with a stem cell transplant survivor group (in May).

These were actually more like discussions as opposed to workshops. In the breast cancer group, we talked about the journaling process and different ways to journal. They were an inquisitive bunch who contributed many ideas that sparked much lively conversation. The stem cell transplant group was more subdued, yet attentive. They had the opportunity to complete one writing exercise, and most particpants shared with the group what they'd written.

These two journaling programs made me realize more time would be necessary to hold an effective journal writing workshop, so I made some adjustments. Then in August 2009, I received a call from Meg asking me if I was still interested in conducting my journaling workshop. Of course, I was! So now, two years after envisioning it, my first workshop series commences on January 13, 2010.

I decided to name the workshop Writing for Your Life, because upon reflection of my own life—even before cancer—I’d literally been writing for my life: planning and strategizing goals, processing emotions, and recording events, etc.The goal of Writing for Your Life is to use writing as a means to empower the cancer patient/survivor during diagnosis, treatment, and recovery by:

1.) Coming to terms with your illness

2.) Exploring your emotional life and any difficult issues with which you may be struggling

3.) Formulating ideas for living fully in the present, while fighting cancer

4.) Devising strategies that will aid in the healing of mind, body, and spirit

5.) Clarifying and outlining your hopes for the future

Workshop details:
Dates:
5 Sessions on Wednesday evenings
• January 13 and 27
• February 10 and 24
• March 10

Time: 6:30 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.

Location:
The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
475 Park Avenue South, 8th Floor
New York, NY 10016

Although this workshop is held at the LLS office, it is open to all cancer survivors. If you, or anyone you know, may be interested, please contact Maria Feeney at the LLS at 212-376-4770 or maria.feeney@lls.org. If you have specific questions, you may contact me at deborah@deborahludwig.com.

Check out Dr. Regina Huelsenbeck's blog: Rituals of Healing

Rebirth: A Leukemia Survivor's Journal of Healing during Chemotherapy, Bone Marrow Transplant, and Recovery is featured on Dr. Huelsenbeck's blog. She is a cancer survivor; at age 19 she was diagnosed with lymphoma. Her cancer experience led her to pursue a career in psycho-oncology/therapy.

Please take a moment to visit not only her blog, but her entire site. It is filled with information, healing resources, and inspiration.

                                                                                                                   

Congratulations. You did it!

‘Congratulations. You did it!’ read the silver balloon I carried out of Dr. Goldberg’s office today. I had just completed my five-year oncology follow-up. My CBC results looked great—white blood cell, red blood cell, and platelet counts all within the normal ranges. I am now able to get life insurance; federal law guarantees that cancer survivors cannot be discriminated against when looking for life insurance after 5 years of being cancer-free. In a few days, the proof will arrive in the mail in the form of the letter Dr. Goldberg was dictating when I left. Best of all, I can now officially declare: I am cured!

A swirl of emotions churned inside of me as I took that last walk down the familiar hallway and out the Cancer Center's door. Before I left the examining room, I gave Dr. Goldberg a signed copy of Rebirth and told him how much I appreciated everything he'd done for me and how blessed I am to have had him as my doctor. He was always honest with me, yet compassionate; he listened to and answered all my questions without ever getting defensive or impatient; over the years, he answered every e-mail I sent to him, whether it was a question about my health or my book; and he wrote the foreword to Rebirth. I gave him two big hugs and thanked him. “You’re welcome,” he replied; then added, “Days like today are why we do what we do.” I’m a success story. Hell, I’m a miracle.

I walked out with Renee, a social worker at HUMC whom I’ve gotten to know well over the past year, as I’ve been meeting with patients preparing for or going through stem cell/bone marrow transplantation and trying to get my journal writing workshop for cancer patients started. As we talked, tears welled up in my eyes and the words caught in my throat. I’ve waited so long for this day to come, and yet the experience doesn’t feel all that far in the past. I can’t even explain why I was tearing up except, perhaps, I could finally, at last, breathe an enormous sigh of relief—I'd made it to that coveted five-year mark.

Before I left the hospital, I went to the Stem Cell Transplant Center and spent some time with two brave women—both mothers, both struggling through complications after stem cell transplantation. I listened, shared parts of my story that may prove helpful to them, and gave encouragement. Both were grateful for my having spent some time with them; for patients, it gives so much hope to see someone who has been where they are and is now on the other side of cancer. (I definitely felt that way back in 2004 when I spoke with those who were several years cancer-free.) And these interactions, meeting these survivors are just as beneficial and inspirational to me. They are a reminder of what I went through, which further strengthens my dedication to helping cancer survivors and working toward the eradication of this insidious disease.

Five years – yay! I did it!

With Cancer Survivorship Comes Great Responsibility

It hit me yesterday, perhaps harder than ever, that my having survived cancer nearly five years ago requires that I live boldly, sharing my God-given talents to help make the world, if only a small portion of it, a better place. I was sifting through e-mails and received one from my cousin Cindy who has a friend whose sister passed away last Saturday after a relapse of cancer—she’d had leukemia. Cindy had told me about this a couple of weeks ago and asked for any advice or information I could share, especially regarding clinical trials. The woman had been in remission from the leukemia but when the cancer came back, it had spread to her liver.

As I read Cindy’s e-mail, I once again realized how extremely fortunate I have been. There is no justice or reason in the randomness of who dies or survives illness, whatever their age; and sometimes survivor’s guilt surfaces. We know we are all going to die, but we expect, and hope, it will be later rather than sooner. So when I read stories of young people passing away before their time, it makes me achingly aware that none of us is guaranteed tomorrow, that we should make the most of each day, be truly present in the company of our loved ones, and do what we enjoy and have passion for in life.

We must stop postponing dreams and goals, thinking we have all the time in the world: I’ll do it when I have more money, when I’m older, when my kids are grown, when I’ve learned more or gained more experience. How many excuses can we devise to remain stuck in our current existence? Familiarity can breed stagnation. Many times we remain stagnant because the familiar is a comfortable place in which to reside, even if we are unhappy, discontented, and the realization of—or even first steps toward—unfulfilled dreams remain dormant and far off in the distance.

Since my cancer diagnosis, I have tried to live my life more daringly and manifest my dreams by taking the appropriate actions. And I have accomplished some of these goals—the most exciting one was writing my book, Rebirth, which was written with the intention to help, encourage, and inspire patients going through cancer. The prospect of the book being completed and available to help anyone in need has been very fulfilling, and I can envision my message widely spread throughout the country. However, now that the book is ready to make its debut, I feel some trepidation. What if it’s not good enough? What if it is criticized? Well, I ask myself, “What if this does happen?” Whatever happens, I know I will be fine.

When I set out to author this book it was with the intention of helping others, and it will only be able to do that if it is out in the world. Furthermore, if Rebirth helps even one person, then I've accomplished my goal. What I must remember is that I was given creative gifts: the ability to act, to write, to speak, all injected with a good deal of compassion to boot. As someone who vowed to make a difference in the world and to be a braver person if I made it through my cancer battle, it would be a betrayal to not keep that vow. So it is with this intention in mind that I march onward to promote my book and achieve all the creative goals I’ve set regardless of the outcome.

As a cancer survivor, it is my responsibility to make sure that I not only give back to the people who so generously helped me through that terrible ordeal, but also to give forward to other cancer patients and survivors, or anyone going through a difficult time. But perhaps more importantly, is the responsibility to hold myself accountable for the dreams and goals I set that could have disappeared along with my life had I died from the leukemia. And in a way, that may be the biggest responsibility of all—keeping the promises I made to myself. For how can I possibly encourage others to muster the audacity to take flight, spread their wings, and soar into the unknown if I lack the nerve to do it myself?

Goals and Dreams Become Reality

A book published; a journal writing workshop for cancer patients developed and being piloted; a Web site completed by January 31, 2009. These are goals I put into motion over the past five years, one year, and six months respectively, that have now come to fruition. This is not the first time in my life that I’ve written down goals and accomplished them. Sometimes goals are achieved quickly; other times, they’ve taken nearly a decade; and then there are those yet to be attained.

To spark others toward acting on their dreams and goals, one suggestion I give is to write them down (which is what I do). I believe the written word transports creative energy out into the universe, manifesting those words as concrete results. Writing is also a means of holding oneself accountable. If you write down goals and dreams, they seem more real, and you’re now committed to accomplishing them and sticking with them through the challenges, of which there are oftentimes many.

This does not mean if you truly lose interest in your previously specified pursuit, you should slog onward; there is no joy in drudgery. In fact, if you find yourself struggling over a long period of time, you are no longer receiving personal fulfillment, and you have to force yourself to do the work, at this point, it is best to release these dreams and goals. It’s now time to discover new ones.

However, if your struggle is fleeting, and you find yourself periodically vacillating between periods of frustration and inspiration, persevere long enough to see if any progress is being made. As long as you see incremental progress, regardless of how small, you will stay excited about pursuing your dreams and goals. These baby steps will eventually transform into something spectacular.

My first couple weeks of 2009 have been pretty amazing. I’m full of positive energy, and I am excited to see how the year continues to unfold. Happy New Year and cheers!

National Cancer Survivors Day with Women Conquering Cancer

June 1, 2008
I celebrated the four year anniversary of my bone marrow transplant on June 1, which was also National Cancer Survivors Day. I had no clue that June 1 was National Cancer Survivors Day when I had my bone marrow transplant on June 1, 2004. This year I spent June 1 representing the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society in Brooklyn, New York, at a cancer survivor event sponsored by Women Conquering Cancer.

Per the event brochure, Women Conquering Cancer was founded by Sister Khaleelah Shabazz, who is also a cancer survivor, in 2005 under the name “Sisters Coping with Cancer.” On January 17, 2007, they were granted not-for-profit status and changed their name to what it is today. Most of the group’s members are of African-Caribbean American descent and are Muslims, Christians, and people of other faiths. Khaleelah Shabazz was the chair of the event and the woman to whom I reported.

I arrived at Akbar Hall in Brooklyn around noon, and Khaleelah directed me to the table assigned to the LLS. I began arranging brochures and booklets that the LLS had sent in advance on the large, round, wooden table. I discovered upon my arrival that I was to be a speaker as well. The woman from the American Cancer Society had canceled, so a replacement was needed. I was thrilled, but because I’d been given no advanced notice, I had to organize the table quickly, then sit down and compile notes for my brief overview of the LLS, its services, and my work as a volunteer.

As I began writing, a six-year old girl named Saidah approached my table and discovered a stack of activity books for children (provided by the LLS) and asked if she could have one. I told her she absolutely could. She then asked if I had some crayons. I did not but I gave her a pencil, which seemed to suffice. After that she returned to my table frequently, and we ended up playing together a bit. She had found a red balloon and was having fun blowing it up, and then we’d take turns releasing the air onto each other. She found this very amusing, and I thought she was quite adorable.

Between moments of interacting with this darling but precocious child, I worked on my notes. Being my four year anniversary of bone marrow transplant, I decided to share that milestone after my greeting, and then relay information to the audience about the LLS, its history, mission, services, and programs. After my speech, I garnered positive responses from several members of the audience, and I believe they appreciated knowing that I too was a cancer survivor because it connected us. It is truly fulfilling to know you’ve touched people’s lives or helped them in some way, and I didn’t even share my story – only a tiny portion of it: the BMT anniversary.

Because the majority of attendees were Muslim, prayers and greetings were given in Arabic, yet they were mindful and inclusive of those of us from different religious and ethnic backgrounds. At the end of the day, Shaikh Abdu Rashid led the Hour Father after saying an Islamic prayer.

After the event, I spoke with Sharif, an ex-police officer, who shared with me his experience working at ground Zero after September 11. It must have absolutely horrific. What I saw on my television in Cincinnati was a highly sanitized version of events. Sharif saw the blood and gore up close, on the front lines. We talked about tragic events being life-changing moments, and he thanked me for being involved in their cancer survivor day celebration.

Somehow our conversation turned to the topic of peace and acceptance in our world, and I told him that I believe we all want the same things: that we and our families are happy, healthy, and safe, and that our world sustains us. I believe we need to focus on the similarities of our goals, as opposed to the differences. I’ve said repeatedly that it is people’s focus on their differences that divide us and prevent us from confronting tough issues, thus further engendering feelings of separateness. In order to be able to see each other as equals, with similar desires, this separateness must be eliminated, otherwise, the perception of “otherness” remains and finding common ground, or compromise, is nearly impossible.

I have a handful of black and Hispanic friends, but the majority of my close relationships are within my own race. At the NFL, I work with people from all ethnic, racial, and cultural backgrounds, which is one of the positives of being employed there. I try to take advantage of the diversity to learn more about others and their backgrounds.

Participating in the Women Conquering Cancer event forced me out of my comfort zone because I was one of two Caucasians in attendance. This was an opportunity to place myself in a situation where I was not surrounded by people with the same racial, ethnic, or religious affiliation, and it was eye-opening; yet, it was a bit uncomfortable, too, when a council member began speaking about politics and his support of Barack Obama and then disparaging Hillary Clinton.

As a Clinton supporter, I was a bit offended, and I felt this type of proselytizing was inappropriate at this event, which should have focused on cancer survivors, maintained a highly positive and inspirational tone, and disseminated information relative to cancer, cancer prevention, and cancer survival. I feel this event should only have been politicized to the extent that it was relevant to the cancer survivor’s experience and the raising of capital and the passage of legislation for research to find cures for cancer. But obviously, the councilman felt the conveyance of his message was important to this particular audience, so I sat there and restrained myself from reacting to rhetoric with which I disagreed. However, I was open-minded enough to listen and to even agree with some of what he said.

The community was very warm and welcoming toward me. I hope, and would be honored, to have the opportunity to speak at some of Women Conquering Cancer’s Health Forums, which begin in the fall. I think it is important to reach across cultures and religions in order to recognize and embrace each other’s humanity. We’re less likely to harm those with whom we identify, but rather, show compassion. It is when we do not identify with or understand others that people are objectified, viewed as second-class citizens, or worse, seen as less than human, and then atrocities can occur: bombings, genocide, torture, and all sorts of other crimes.

June 1 was a special day that lingers in my mind, even fifty-two days afterwards. My afternoon spent with Women Conquering Cancer made me realize how similar we are despite skin color or ideology. Kindness, acceptance, openness, and willingness to work together can help us achieve great things. Cancer makes no distinction between race, religion, or ethnicity; it is an equal opportunity disease, so the fight against cancer is definitely one cause in which we can agree to forge alliances in order to make progress. And perhaps in finding this common ground and working together in the health field, we will discover other common goals to improve and transform our world into a more prosperous, safe, and peaceful place for all its inhabitants.

And the total is...

The final total for my Mother's Day Tea Fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society is $2,540.00!! Thanks to all who contributed; we surpassed my goal by 254%.

Three years now…

It has been three years since my bone marrow transplant, and even though it seems like a long time ago, I remember it as if it were yesterday. Etched in my memory are: the smell of the hospital room, Karen waltzing into the room right as the doctor was getting ready to infuse the marrow into me, the intense scratchy feeling in my throat caused by the preservatives in the blood, and Karen and Karen B sitting next to me, supporting me, willing my body to accept Barbara’s stem cells.

It was a scary time; it was a sad time; but mostly it was a time of hope. Those four weeks (after I’d already spent a week in the hospital) were the longest weeks of my life. And at least one week’s memories have been lost due to all the medications given to me the second week to alleviate my physical pain.

Three years later, I have just been cast in the lead female role in an independent film, Twists of Fate, which begins filming in July, I have shot two commercials, am actively auditioning, taking acting classes, working at the NFL as a long-term temp (since June 2005), have completed my first fundraiser for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (exceeding my goal by 251%!), ready to publish Rebirth: A Leukemia Journal, may have a piece published in a feminist anthology my friend Adele is working on, and my friends and family are well and healthy. But probably the most joy I’ve experienced over the past three years involve my kids—my nephews and nieces. Aidan is four, Andrew is almost three, Grace is two, and Alexa is one. Another nephew, Nate, will arrive in October.

When I am around the children I never stop laughing – well, okay sometimes when Aidan and Andrew are kicking the crap out of each other I’m not so jovial. But overall they bring so much joy to my life. I see Aidan, Andrew, and Alexa every two to three weeks – I just can’t stay away. It is sad that Grace lives so far away, so I only see her on rare occasions, and we don’t have the opportunity to really build a bond (like I have with Barbara’s children). That doesn’t mean I love her any less though.

Falling in love—or at least dating someone I am really attracted to—remains the most elusive dream for me to realize. I still can’t seem to connect with anyone. It is the same story: they’re attracted to me, I’m not to them; I’m attracted to them, they’re not to me. I am trying to keep visualizing what I want as opposed to what I don’t want in a relationship. I tried match.com for six months and was going to cancel after my six months, but then thought it was pretty silly not to take advantage of the guarantee (if you don’t find someone within six months, you get six months free). So I’m retaining my membership for six more months, and afterwards will probably not renew it. This is really not the ideal medium for me to meet quality men, and I’ve been skeptical from the start. I need to be out living my life and meeting people doing the things I love—dancing, volunteering, acting.

Life is good, but I must admit that I do worry about little aches and pains, especially those that linger for a while. For instance, I had pretty severe pain in my upper left thigh last winter for about five months, but it eventually went away. I’ve had some minor throat pain for about a month now (not a sore throat, but pain in my upper throat area under my chin). I have been saying affirmations and prayers and using positive thinking to help alleviate the pain, and if it is something more severe, to eradicate it from my system. I’m not ready to see a doctor about it just yet. However, if it continues to persist, I will need to make a doctor’s appointment.

Well, it is a summer Friday at the NFL, it is about 2:00 pm and I’m hoping to leave soon. I have a go-see for a print job for Chartered Accountants and then I’m meeting Joe. He has been in New York for a conference this past week and is staying with me this evening. He will be my first overnight guest since I moved into my apartment last June.

I have much to celebrate – it is another birthday. Biologically I’m forty-one, but blood-wise I’m three!

Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Mother's Day Tea Fundraiser

As of today, I have raised $2,515.00 for the LLS. This is my first fundraising effort for the Society. I feel blessed to have had so many people help me to signifianctly exceed my $1,000.00 goal. Tomorrow is my three year rebirthday. I will have much to write tomorrow. For now, I feel fortunate to be able to live my life and reach for my goals: I recently shot a commercial for Holy Spirit Health Systems and have been cast in a lead role (Lee) in the independent movie, Twists of Fate. We begin shooting in July.

Thanks to everyone who helped in my fundraising effort! God bless.

Dark Days…

Some days you wish you had just curled up beneath the bed covers and disappeared for the next twenty-four hours. I don’t have many bad days, but today was kind of unsettling. I don’t know if the lady in the elevator, who has completely clueless about the concept of personal space, set my annoyance in motion, or if being referred to as “Glat’s assistant” by a VP, who damn well knows my name (he’s known me for two years), sparked my ire. Both occurrences happened this morning. It seems almost inevitable that if the day begins badly, it continues on that trajectory. Do other unpleasant or frustrating events keep manifesting because of the negative attitude one keeps holding onto once these feelings arise?

Oftentimes I feel guilty for being testy, impatient, or angry. I had cancer, I’ve dealt with very serious life and death issues, and so I should be able to effortlessly rise above petty annoyances, impatience-inducing situations, and all the dreadful news stories. For instance, daily, I read the news, I listen to it, I watch it; I am freaking inundated with news and therefore, all the tragedy, unkindness, injustice, and corruption in the world overwhelm my compassionate and docile nature.

We live in a world where onlookers stand by and watch a seventeen-year-old girl being stoned to death by four men—they make no attempt to save her life, but they sure as hell can record the incident on their cell phones. We live in a world where people get some perverted pleasure watching dogs fight to the death, ripping viciously at each others’ flesh. We reside in a world where parents will put a baby in a microwave, and where holier-than-thou-do-gooders want rape and incest victims to carry an unwanted pregnancy to term, living with the reminder of their attacker’s brutality for nine months. These are all stories I’ve been reading about over the past week. I cannot comprehend this callous disregard for life, and yes, I’m referring to life already existing on this planet.

Helplessness and sadness blankets me, smothering all positive feelings I may possess when I read about or hear of these stories. So, after the above incidents happened and then reading these news articles, I decided to leave for my audition, thinking that the sunshine and a warm breeze would transform my mood.

I stepped out of 280 Park and headed toward the subway. A gentle breeze caressed my skin, my hair blew softly, and the warmth penetrated my white jacket. I love the brightness, clear skies, and warmth of a spring day. Yet once I arrived at the subway, the V train was pulling away. I waited for two E trains to pass before another V train arrived. It took me an hour to get to 21st Street from 53rd. Then once at the audition, there were twenty-five plus people ahead of me, and the auditors were conducting five-minute interviews. At this rate, I’d be there for two more hours. I just didn’t have the patience to wait that long for a $350 job. So, I scratched my name off the list and left. Of course, on the way back to the office, at the subway, I had to wait for two F trains before a V arrived. See? It was one of those days when even the little things—like catching a subway train—don’t go your way.

I really try to maintain a positive attitude, but the constant effort gets exhausting. I think we need to allow ourselves to experience our frustration, anger, or sadness. I believe that sometimes the positive-attitude mantra is crap, and all I long to do is wallow in my misery and anger because that anger empowers me. However, that being said, I don’t stay in this disgruntled state too long because, by nature, I am a positive, optimistic person who believes that our thoughts create our reality.

Yet it is unrealistic to be positive all the time, and anyone who claims to be is a liar. I don’t enjoy calling people liars, but sometimes these purveyors of positive thinking can make us feel lacking in conviction or inadequate when we have lapses in this positive frame of mind. Positive-thinking fatigue sets in and then what I really want to do is throw myself on the floor, fists pounding it, and scream.

Boy, it feels really good to write this. I am actually smiling right now. I think my day just turned around. A little bit of negativity can be good if it is used as a learning tool. By grappling with these feelings and trying to understand them, I have cleared my mind and released muscle tension. I can begin anew. It is 3:28 in the afternoon and I can start afresh—no need to wait until tomorrow. I breathe in and out, calm my thoughts, and let my fingers move leisurely over this keyboard on which I’m typing. I feel centered.

So my friends, embrace your anger, experience it, and then let it go so that you can once again work on the positive aspects of your life. And don’t judge yourself too harshly; I’m not. Just because I survived cancer and learned many lessons, doesn’t mean I’ve overcome all the imperfections that make me human; I still battle them and will continue to do so. The key is to know when to experience negative emotions and when to send them on their way. This knowledge keeps me on track to receive all the good in my life and, regardless of all the tragedy and injustice inherent in it, the world too.