Friday, July 02, 2004

July 2 Friday– 31 Days Post-Transplant

I am feeling good, except that I’m still very tired. My hemoglobin level remains around 8.6 and normal for me would be about 13, so I’m getting much less oxygen travelling through my system than I normally would, under healthy circumstances. I’ve been fighting some depression and I don’t know why. I should be ecstatic to be in such good shape so soon after transplant. But I feel lethargic and unmotivated. Am I tired of feeling so fatigued? Am I fed up with feeling like such a plain Jane? Am I afraid of what the future holds? Probably all of these things are weighing heavily on me. I want to recapture that positive attitude I had prior to transplant, but it seems to have disappeared. I’m sure all the drugs I’m taking and the changes going on in my body are contributing to this dour mood.

I have been forcing myself go for short walks. I try to take good care of my skin (it is so dry), and I am religious about taking my medications, of which there are about 20 per day and some of the pills are huge. I long to get well, to recover fully, and get on with life, but I’m finding the future to be scary. (Not as scary as having leukemia, but scary nonetheless.)

My mother has been here since last Tuesday and will remain with me until July 6th. Then my sister, Karen, will be here for a couple of weeks to help out. After that time, I hope my strength and spirit have returned. I’m finally having the desire to answer e-mails, write in my journal, and hopefully soon, I’ll be writing the many thank-you notes for gifts and money I've received over the past few months.

This whole healing process is long and arduous, but I knew it would be. I must have patience, take life day by day, and enjoy the present. I meditated this morning—I find that is helpful for a healthy state of mind. I must continue practicing all the mind-body tools I’ve used up to this point in time to feel well.

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